Jokes.

[bill77.017]

Farting All The Time.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[snusgetter]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped down from the stool, satisfied, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, usually they just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.

[bill77.017]

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.

Q. Why don,t blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

Rodeo Sex.
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?

Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

[snusgetter]

+1 Now that is funneh!

I knew I could count on you, LaZ

[LaZeR]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman, "Can I smell your c**t?"

"F**k off, no you can't smell my c**t!" the woman yells back at him.

"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."

+1 Now that is funneh!

[SnusoMatic]

Father and son are standing around talking right after the sons wedding. The bride is standing in a group with all her girl friends. They are all laughing, smiling and having a good time.

Son says to his father: Look at her laughing and smiling. She seems to be the happiest i have ever seen her since i first met her.

Father says to son: You know why don't you?

Son says to father: Because she loves me so much?

Father to son: No. Because she don't have to give any more head.

[snusgetter]

The mind is a terrible thing to waste

~
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says,




"You forgot my toast."

[snusgetter]

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman, "Can I smell your c**t?"

"F**k off, no you can't smell my c**t!" the woman yells back at him.

"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."

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Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

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Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

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[bill77.017]

There was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" said the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

[snusgetter]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns
to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for
staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub
my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a a little head?'
... and she's always sound asleep."

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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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[Premium Parrots]

Texas sheriffs dept job interview............

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson model 1911, .45 caliber pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

[snusgetter]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept
people who had had a really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,
"Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over
the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the
balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the
edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting
his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator
and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act
gave me a heart attack and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was
a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and
slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment
below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers
with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But then the guy
dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[bill77.017]

Before the examination, Scott asked the doctor if they ever laughed at their patients' problems.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

'Okay then,' Scott said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

It's swollen,' Scott replied.

[snusgetter]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

After a quick exam, the doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a
urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.

And once again the old man says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE,
A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"


With that the old woman turns to the old man
and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[snusgetter]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe
a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about.
Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher,
wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly
answered, "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah,
it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second.
It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying
to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again
and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy,
I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the
teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and
fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his
hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls
on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies,
"it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand
in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it
got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," says Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"