Jokes.

[snusgetter]

The doctor told Jim that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office.

He thought about the restroom but that was too open.

He considered an alley but figured that wasn't very safe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

A deep voice said, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The officer replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[Maher]

another one

Another side of the coin.
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman. She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe Darling... Joe……….."
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear... "Until death do us part"

[Maher]

got this from a buddy

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by so for her birthday i got my wife an iRon.




It was around then that the fight started . . .

What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by next Thursday!

[CoderGuy]

a little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"not yet," said the little boy.

his mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"how come i don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't i have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"well," his mother says, "i saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

the little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "you gonna tell him or should i?"

rofl lol

[sgreger1]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .




No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.

[sgreger1]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Curtisp]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[sgreger1]

Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on the same day. As they are approaching the gates of heaven, God tells them that there is only ONE spot left.

Knowing this, Pamela decides to seduce God by showing her bare breasts.

God looks at them and says, “Very nice.”

“Does that mean I”m in?” says Pamela.

God looks over to his side and sees the Queen of England douching in the corner.

He looks back at Pamela and says, “Sorry, a royal flush always beats a pair.”

LOOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO. Delightfully distastefull... like hooters.

[bill77.017]

Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on the same day. As they are approaching the gates of heaven, God tells them that there is only ONE spot left.

Knowing this, Pamela decides to seduce God by showing her bare breasts.

God looks at them and says, “Very nice.”

“Does that mean I”m in?” says Pamela.

God looks over to his side and sees the Queen of England douching in the corner.

He looks back at Pamela and says, “Sorry, a royal flush always beats a pair.”

[sgreger1]

Can We get Married in Heaven??



On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?


When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.


The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months.


While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?


Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"


Another month passed St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"


St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground..


"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.


"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

[precious007]

One time in church I saw a woman light up a cigarette
I was so shocked, that I almost spilled my beer.

Probably she confused the cig with a candle :|

[Mykislt]

One time in church I saw a woman light up a cigarette
I was so shocked, that I almost spilled my beer.

[snusgetter]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.

They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the man's leg.

As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.

A passerby saw what was happening and was shocked.

She approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty act.

The blind man replied, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass."

==============================================

She married and had 13 children.

Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Then she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

[precious007]

2 little old ladies are in the church... one leans over and whispers, " I wish this finishes faster, my butt fell asleep....."

The other lady whispers back and says .... I know.. I heard it snore 4 times!

[precious007]

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.

She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

==============================================

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

looool