Jokes.

[WickedKitchen]

It would also be a good idea to stop at a Taco Bell and wrap a burrito around your member so that the scent of a woman isn't detected by the other...

[CoderGuy]

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds it closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar up the road to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite an exciting time.

Suddenly he realizes it's 3 am.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaims. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands.

He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

LOL Will have to try that

[snusgetter]

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.

When he gets to the store he finds it closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar up the road to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite an exciting time.

Suddenly he realizes it's 3 am.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaims. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands.

When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands.

He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[precious007]

------------------

- Oh sure ...... I'd like to help you out!

- Which way did you come in ?

[snusgetter]

When you get dressed in the morning you always put on your left sock last.

Doesn't matter which one you put on first...the other one is left.

And when someone asks, "Are you alright?"
Your answer should be, "No, I'm half left!"

[WickedKitchen]

When you get dressed in the morning you always put on your left sock last.

Doesn't matter which one you put on first...the other one is left.

[precious007]

12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

LoL

A broker is a party that makes a transactions between a buyer and a seller, and gets a commission when the deal is executed.

There's a difference between a broker and an investor or business partner :P

Then the question would be ... Why is life so weird sometimes ... because that's all left to be questioned :-)

Because a plain simple life wouldn't be interesting enough. :P

[KCOLLINS18]

Hopefully this will brightens somebodies day!

1. Only in America.......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

2. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

3. Only in America.....Do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

4. Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

5. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

6. EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

7. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

8. Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

9. Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

10. Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

11. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

12. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

13. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

14. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

15.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

16. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

17. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

18. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

19.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[snusgetter]

Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted, but still has points of interest.

After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn.

==============================================

A huge guy marries a tiny girl.

At the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that doesn't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

[CoderGuy]

a koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the bartender told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him. The koala decides, why not?, and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. Afterward the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "how about my money?" the koala looks confused, and the prostitute brings out a dictionary and it says...
Prostitute: Has sex for money.
In response, the koala turns to the definition for koala and it says...
Koala: Eats bush and leaves.

rofl!!

[bill77.017]

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the bartender told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him. The koala decides, why not?, and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. Afterward the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money?" The koala looks confused, and the prostitute brings out a dictionary and it says...
PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.
In response, the koala turns to the definition for koala and it says...
KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

[visiON]

I better do that some time. @above post

[snusgetter]

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000. Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them --- but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old man. "Costs too much!"

[snusgetter]

After 40 years as a gynecologist, Steve decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love ... auto mechanics.

He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.

The day of the final exam came.

Steve worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.

Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. Steve, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

The following day, Steve was surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam and spoke to the teacher after class.

"I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

The teacher replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine."

"I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine."

"I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

[precious007]

The doctor told Jim that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office.

He thought about the restroom but that was too open.

He considered an alley but figured that wasn't very safe.

Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

A deep voice said, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The officer replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

=))

Hahaha