Jokes.

[snusgetter]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off.

She watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "Let me help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain."

"Oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly.

But he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

She persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side.

She loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside.

She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[snusgetter]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this.

First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Maher]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!This is so priceless and so easy to see happening customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and the Royal Bank billed her for February andMarch for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance hadBeen $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Royal Bank:

Family Member:'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Royal Bank:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Royal Bank:'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Royal Bank PAC:'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her toThe credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Royal Bank:'Excuse me?'

Family Member:'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about herbeing dead?'

Royal Bank:'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone. Family Member:'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Royal Bank:'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still happly.'

Family Member:'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Royal Bank:(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

Royal Bank:'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax.

Royal Bank:'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Royal Bank:'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:'Would you like her new billing address?'

Royal Bank:'That might help.'

Family Member:' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number1049.'

Royal Bank:'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............

[Mdisch]

I do not know a single joke... I know some Swedish jokes, though...

In 1868 a Swede invented the toilet seat. In 1869 a Norwegian put a hole in it

I guess this isn't really funny if you aren't Norwegian.

===========================================

This Norwegian skier, Oddbjørn Hjelmeset (feel free to laugh of the name), is asked a question in Japanese at the press conference in Sapporo, Japan, after the world cup. Here's his answer.

Hehehe Both of these are hilarious! Oddbjørn is THE MAN!

[Maher]

Wife: What do you like most about me, my Beauty or my Intelligence?
Husband: I love it more when you joke like this!!

———————
Sameer: Ahmed, what exactly is happiness?

Ahmed: Frankly speaking, I don’t know. I married at a young age.

Wife: Please give me $250 for home expenses.
Husband: You need to have intelligence, more than having money.
Wife: I am asking only that which you have!!!
———————
When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, It is love;
After marriage: It is self-defense
———————
Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
———————
A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

[Lobstersnuser]

Rotten Eggs

A drunk staggers into an all-night cafe. Finally, after he's seated, a waitress approaches. "I'll have an egg & cheese omelet", he mutters.

The waitress rushes into the kitchen to relay the order to which the chef replies, "Gee, I have plenty ham but the only eggs I have left are spoiled rotten". "Thats alright" she contends, "The guys so wasted he'll never know the difference."

With tears running down his face from the stench, the cook prepares the order. The waitress rushes the plate out to the drunk and he digs in voraciously. As she's walking away in amazement, he hollers: "Excuse me Miss, but do you have a rooster for the hens that laid those eggs." "No," she replies. "Why?" The drunk wipes his chin and states emphatically, "Well, you'd better get one, cause there's a skunk been f...ing your chickens."

[Froofather]

Ancient Chinese Torture

Another great one I found in high school. One of my all time faves. Enjoy.

A man was traveling through the jungle for days growing tired he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After knocking on the door an old Chinese guy with a beard that reached the floor answers. The man asked him if he could stay the night and the Chinese guy agreed as long as he didn't screw his granddaughter. Before the guy could agree the old man warned him that if he did he would perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The guy says o.k. and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner the man meets the granddaughter and she is the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. So after he figured the old man was asleep he went into her room and made love to her.

The next morning the man awoke with a 100lbs rock on his chest with a sign "first Chinese torture wake up with 100 pound rock on chest". Being a strong man he thought nothing of it and picked up the rock and threw it out the window but on the back of the rock there was another sign reading "2nd Chinese torture, right ball tied to rock". Thinking quickly the man jumped out the window but on the other side of the window there was another sign reading 3rd Chinese torture test left nut tied to bed post"...

[Froofather]

A long winded fart joke

I found this joke a few yrs back. High school. The tiny court yard. Normal section. (dragon kids had their corner)

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Maher]

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN COMPLETE & FINISHED







No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED,
in a way that's easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference
between COMPLETE & FINISHED.




I beg to differ because, there is :





When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE".

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"!





And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...

"COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

[roisterer]

A man is walking down a street in a strange town. The man decides to go into a bar he is passing. Though he is straight it's a gay bar. Figuring it's a modern world he goes in, sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says to him, "Sure thing, you've just got to tell me the name of your penis." The man has no name for his penis & tells the bartender so. The bartender says, "Well as soon as you come up with one, I'll serve you your beer." Fresh out of ideas, the man thinks to ask the guy at the next barstool. He says, "Mine's name is Timex. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking." "Hmm, ok" the guy thinks. Asking the guy on his opposite side, he gets the answer, "Ford, Have you driven a Ford lately?" An idea comes to our protagonist and he calls the bartender over. The bartender says, "Ok, what have you got?" "I call it Secret." "Secret? Why that?" "Y'know, Secret. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

[Maher]

An old, tired-looking cat wandered into my veranda. I could tell from her collar and well-fed belly that she had a home and was well taken care of.
She calmly came over to me, I gave her a few pats on her head. She then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, she went to the door, and I let her out.
The next day she was back, greeted me in my veranda, walked inside and resumed her spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to her collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet cat is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your cat comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day she arrived for her nap, with a different note pinned to her collar: ‘She lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, she’s trying to catch up on her sleep. …..Can I come with her tomorrow?

[Premium Parrots]

Lost woman in a hot air baloon.....

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

[Ansel]

I left my last wife. She was cross-eyed and i could never work out if she was seeing someone else behind my back.

[Premium Parrots]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[GN Tobacco Sweden AB]

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are

120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is

0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this: Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this
alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,
We withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

Hahahahahah this one i Will tell to My famaly they are Doktors