Jokes.

[Premium Parrots]

I got this in an email today from an old friend..........



Hey Glenn... For some reason I thought of you after reading this joke. I don't know why?



Doctor Glenn had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No

matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The

guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head

that said, 'Glenn, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner

to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go, Glenn.'

But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

whispering: Glenn.................





You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard!!!

[Premium Parrots]

So there were two life long friends named Chad and PP, these two guys grew up together, went to the same school, played the same sports and even dated the same girl. Throughout their lives they lived a mirror image of the other. Well one fateful day they were driving together in Chads car when Chad lost control and hit a big oak at 55, both Chad and PP were killed instantly. PP realizes he's at the pearly gates and is granted access to heaven, surprised, he is elated to have actually made it past the gate until he looks around and realizes that his lifelong friend Chad is nowhere to be seen. Now depressed he questions God, "where is my friend we lived our lives exactly the same and theres no way he survived that gnarly wreck". God replies by pointing at the floor. PP busts out in tears and exclaims "I don't understand, I never got to make my peace with him" God replies "my dear child would you like to make peace with your lifelong friend?" PP looks up at god wipes his cheek and nods his head yes. With a snap of Gods fingers an elevator appears. PP and God board the elevator and the elavator drops down...down...down...down...down...down...down...down.. .and finnally comes to a stop. Fearing what he might see PP is dreading the door opening but to his suprise the doors swing open and there stand his best friend Chad in between two of the most georgeous blondes he has ever seen. And they're naked. He looks around and sees several other scantily clad women. The room is furnished in the finest marble and leather. Then he spots the bar, and its not just your run of the mill bar, this ones fully stocked with all the good shit, every bottle still full. At this point PP is wishing this was his destiny too. He turns to God and asks, "can I get out of the elevator, or is that against the rules?" God replies "go ahead my son" PP steps off the elevator and heads for the finest bottle of Vodka and asks God "Is it okay if I drink Hells liquor?" God chuckles and replies "go ahead". Thirsty, PP spins off the top puts the bottle to his lips and is surprised when the vodka doesnt flow free of the bottle. Puzzled he looks over to his best friend and says "what the hell is this shit?" His friend laughs and replies "we're in hell the bottles dont have hole and niether do the women!"

I knew Chad was going to hell

[Frosted]

In the maternity wigwam, there were 3 squaws in labour.

The one on the left was lying on a horse skin, the one on the right was lying on a buffalo skin and the one in the middle was lying on a hippo skin.

The one on the hippo skin gave birth to twins, the other two gave birth to single babies.

This goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides.

[triplethreat675]

So there were two life long friends named Chad and PP, these two guys grew up together, went to the same school, played the same sports and even dated the same girl. Throughout their lives they lived a mirror image of the other. Well one fateful day they were driving together in Chads car when Chad lost control and hit a big oak at 55, both Chad and PP were killed instantly. PP realizes he's at the pearly gates and is granted access to heaven, surprised, he is elated to have actually made it past the gate until he looks around and realizes that his lifelong friend Chad is nowhere to be seen. Now depressed he questions God, "where is my friend we lived our lives exactly the same and theres no way he survived that gnarly wreck". God replies by pointing at the floor. PP busts out in tears and exclaims "I don't understand, I never got to make my peace with him" God replies "my dear child would you like to make peace with your lifelong friend?" PP looks up at god wipes his cheek and nods his head yes. With a snap of Gods fingers an elevator appears. PP and God board the elevator and the elavator drops down...down...down...down...down...down...down...down.. .and finnally comes to a stop. Fearing what he might see PP is dreading the door opening but to his suprise the doors swing open and there stand his best friend Chad in between two of the most georgeous blondes he has ever seen. And they're naked. He looks around and sees several other scantily clad women. The room is furnished in the finest marble and leather. Then he spots the bar, and its not just your run of the mill bar, this ones fully stocked with all the good shit, every bottle still full. At this point PP is wishing this was his destiny too. He turns to God and asks, "can I get out of the elevator, or is that against the rules?" God replies "go ahead my son" PP steps off the elevator and heads for the finest bottle of Vodka and asks God "Is it okay if I drink Hells liquor?" God chuckles and replies "go ahead". Thirsty, PP spins off the top puts the bottle to his lips and is surprised when the vodka doesnt flow free of the bottle. Puzzled he looks over to his best friend and says "what the hell is this shit?" His friend laughs and replies "we're in hell the bottles dont have hole and niether do the women!"

[Ainkor]

I'll throw this here, since I think it's kinda funny :P

For years, I've had intentions to write a short story about the "end of the world". I had planned to release it around august of next year to get people worked up for the Mayan prediction, but I'll give you guys a sneak peak. I'll change the dates in honor of today. BTW, I am writing this half asleep so go nice on the grammar errors

Here is the start:

Throughout history man has made feeble attempts at predicting the end times. Call it our fatalist tendacies or our huge ego, but let me tell you, it is real my friends. The story I am about to share with you is real, has and is happening at this very time. The government has gone to great lengths to keep it hidden from you. They don't want you to know the truth.

Dateline 5-21-11 10:00pm Eastern Daylight Savings time, Washington DC:

Local IRS programmer, Fred Johnson goes missing

A local IRS comptuter programmer, Fred Johnson went missing at approximately 6pm local time today. He was out walking his dog according to his neighbors when a local homeless guy stumbled across what could only be discribed as an odd scene. Fred's shoes, shorts, underwear and shirt were found behind the Winn Dixie on East Main St. Police Seargent Dick Masters was first on the scene and had nothing to say to us about the incident. As we learn more we will share the news with you. Fred was working on a new taxation project for the IRS in an attempt to improve collection rates. As the financial crisis worsens, the IRS sees the opportunity to improve collection rates as a sure fire way to make sure the government gets what they are owed.

This is summary of the rest of the story, so just enjoy the outline and use your imagination :P

Readers Digest Version:

The government realizes that the rapture did indeed happen. The odd thing is that only Fred was taken, from the whole world. Obama was heard laughing a bit at the irony that a tax guy was the only guy to get raptured.

Had the program that Fred was writing gone live, the IRS expected to collect trillions more dollars in tax revenue. Fred was a freaking math genius and there is no one else around who can even begin to understand the mathematics he used so the program will have to be abandoned. Since trillions of dollars are at risk, the government looks at Fred's disappearance as an act of war that threatens our sovereignty.

Seal Team 6 goes into action again and busts into the Vatican and arrests the Pope (who ironically wasn't raptured) and brings him to the US to stand trial for the disappearance of Fred.

The Pope is found guilty of inciting public unrest and is sentenced to life in prison at the Bosman Montana Secret facility and is bunking with Osama.

End of summary

I was either planning on writing a short story but I think a fake blog type scenario would be better :P

Live blog on a site listing fake crap would be kinda funny IMO

[Monkey]

A young couple are climbing a mountain and on the way up fall to their deaths.

They wind up on a beautiful beach with stretches of forest leading up to a mountain. They are sure it is heaven.

Poof! Out of nowhere a great red devil appears in a hawaiian shirt sippin a margarita.

He says,"Het what's up guys. I am Satan....welcome to hell. There is a tiki bar on the beach, swimming, games and, since you two are such avid mountain climbers why don't you guys try out that mountain over there. It will always be the right challenge no matter how good you get. Whatever you do just relax and have fun. Allright, I will check in with you later."

They go check out the beach and are astounded to see exactly what he described. They decide to try out the mountain and start climbing. The mountain is the perfect challenge for them and they feel a great sense of accomplishment when they reach the top.

They see the mountain is hollow and inside are souls being tortured by demons and hanging in chains.

They run back to the beach screaming the whole way. When they get to where they first appeared they come across Satan.

They start babbling about the torture and demons when Satan holds up his hands.

The couple ask if this is indeed hell.

Satan replies "Yes."

The couple asks about the people in the mountain being tortured.

Satan replies,"I don't understand myself but that's how the christians want it."

[Maher]

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?' He said Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.


She said, 'Oh that's so lovely!! What about I, J, K?'

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He said I'm Just Kidding.

[Maher]

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping on her bed, unclothed...
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up", she replied.

[whalen]

Inmate, Y U NO drop the soap?

Yu No, that is the only Yu no joke so far that was funny! And it was still rather flaccid as joke! Yu No that it will get old fast, right?!

[MrYUNO]

Inmate, Y U NO drop the soap?

[sebasmun]

Man, i though i had other 'favorite' threads i checked often.
But this thread became my way of life!

Very good job guys,, really funny sh.it!!!!

[Maher]

She sends the following message:

My love

If you're sleeping, send me your dreams

If you're smiling, send me your smile

If you're crying, send me your tears

I love you





He replied:

I'm in the bathroom

What do I send?

[triplethreat675]

Couple military jokes and a story:

An Airborne soldier returns home from training and sits down to talk with his pa who was a career Airborne Ranger. His pa asks him how his first jump out of a perfectly good aircraft was and the soldier gets red in the face and replies
soldier: Wasnt quite how I imagined it
Father: really? whys that?
soldier: I got to the edge looked out, felt the air rushing by at 150 MPH and had second thoughts...
father: go on
soldier: I looked back at the jumpmaster and he said "JUMP OR I'LL F*** YOU IN THE A**"
father: so did you jump?
soldier: yeah.... a little at first

A seaman aquaintance of mine told me about his first year on an aircraft carrier in the pacific, he said it was impressive, they have everything you could ever imagine right there on the boat. a gym, a caffeteria, all the entertainment a sailor could ever want, a satelite internet room, and they even have a program to service your more private needs. Being in the Army I inquired about these services kinda puzzled. He told me it was pretty simple and it was open every morning and night. you would simply strip down to your scivies and get in line. Once you got to the front of the line there was a barrel with a hole just big enough to fit your member in. So when it was your turn you pulled him out stuck him in and wala! but apparently the last week he was on the ship it didnt go so well. It all started when he got in line to be "serviced" and the line wrapped around the dining facility and all the way back to the other end of the ship. He sat in line for several minutes without it budging an inch and finnally asked the guy in front of him what the hold up was. The sailor replied "Its your turn in the barrel".

So on my first deployment to Iraq, we had a Major from the rear join us overseas for the first time. So being that he was new I told one of my privates to show him around the FOB (forward operating base) so the private greeted him as he came off the bird and began showing him around. He took the Major to our tent and helped him get settled in. As they were leaving the tent for chow the Major inquired about the male camel tied up behind the tent. The private laughed and explained to the Major that we had all been in the desert for several months without our loved ones and that we all had needs... the Major became disgusted and ranted and raved for a couple days. A month and half later I could tell the Major was really missing his wife and began looking at the camel with less and less disgust each passing day. And then one night as I was leaving the tent to use the latreen I heard some strange noises coming from just outside the back flap so I went out to investigate. Low and behold theres the Major standing on two milkcrates trousers around his ankles behind the camel! To this day I still cant bring myself to tell him that the rest of us just rode the camel to town to find a whore!

[Kstolen23]

Truly amazing ^

[Ainkor]

otherwise, can you let me know where the f***ing remote is?

Love dan

rofl!