Jokes.

[snusgetter]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

[snusgetter]

[myuserid]

Jim was on the way to meet his girlfriend's parents for the first time when he passed a car lot with the shiniest motorcycle he'd ever seen.

He stopped and asked the guy how he kept it so shiny. "Every time it rains, I cover it in Vaseline and leave it out in the rain. Shines it just right every time", the guy responded.

So Jim trades in his car for the motorcycle and sets off for his girlfriend's house.

She comes out to meet him and he's showing her the bike when she tells him, "My parents are kind of weird. Nobody likes doing the dishes, so whoever talks at the table has to do them".

They go in and sit at the table and start eating. Nobody said a word, just looked at their plates and ate. Jim started wondering if he could press the situation, so he picks up his girlfriend, sets her on the table and bangs her in front of everyone.

Not a word from anybody.

So Jim takes the mother, sets her on the table and bangs her in front of everyone.

Nothing.

Just then, Jim looks out the window and sees how cloudy it is, and knows it's going to rain soon. He jumps up and goes to the bathroom and comes back through the kitchen with a jar of Vaseline.

"Hell no", says the girlfriend's Dad. "I'll do the dishes".

[bill77.017]

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

[snusgetter]

[bill77.017]

Ha ha lol.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[snusgetter]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to
praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
that phrase . . in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male
parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'

[LaZeR]

[Curtisp]

Another Lone Ranger one:


The Lone Ranger and Tonto are galloping their horses across the plains,
suddenly, Tonto rears his horse to a sudden stop, and jumps to the ground.
He kneels quickly to the ground and places his ear in the dirt.
Apache come, Kemo-sabe! he exclaims to the masked hero.
Do you hear the hooves of their horses old friend, asks the masked hero?

No, you stupid paleface replies the indian...ear all STICKY!!!

[snusgetter]

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only
a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?

[LaZeR]

[snusgetter]

The wedding night

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'



Johnny says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I think... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[WickedKitchen]

Men are generally not bashful about flatulence. Rob was especially proud of his gas production and he has fun with it really. He farts in his kids faces while they're watching TV, he clambakes his wife Lisa, scares the neighbors, and the like. Lisa finally got fed up with his credulous games. She screamed at him to stop and told him that one of these days he's going to fart his guts out. Bob replied that he can't help it...it's nature. When there's a fart coming, it's going to come...so why not have a little fun with it? This response only infuriated Lisa more. Well, on Thanksgiving morning Lisa had a plan. She woke @ about 5:30AM to get the turkey in the oven as the rest of her family slept in. While preparing the bird she gathered all of the innards and set them aside. Then she tiptoed upstairs to the bedroom with the neck, heart, liver, etc. in tow. She quietly lifted the covers and placed the turkey guts in Bob's boxers and then went back downstairs to await the fun. An hour or so later she hears a blood-curling scream coming from the bedroom. She nearly spit her coffee all over she was laughing so hard. Then she heard some banging, lots of moving around, and more screaming. Bob then stumbled down the stairs out of breath. His boxers were bloody, his hands were covered, and there were streaks of blood all over him. He exclaimed "Lisa! You were right! You said that one of these days I'd fart my guts out but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them all back in."

[NonServiam]

Damn...............the same thing happened to Dr. Watson and Sherlock

Must be an epidemic

I noticed! I believe Batman and Robin were victims of someone attempting to steal their tent as well, but the thieves immediately put the tent back when they were shocked by what the duo were engaging in under the tent (not that there is anything wrong with that)

[snusgetter]

Damn...............the same thing happened to Dr. Watson and Sherlock

Must be an epidemic