Jokes.

[Snusdog]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes his faithful friend. "Kemosabe, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Tonto.

Ranger ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Lone Ranger, you dumber than buffalo shit, someone has stolen our tent!"

Damn...............the same thing happened to Dr. Watson and Sherlock

Must be an epidemic

[LaZeR]

[NonServiam]

Here's one I heard in the 3rd grade and I never forgot it. Be sure to tell it to your mother this holiday season!

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.
She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! Gotta deliver all the toys to all the good girls and boys!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks
"Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! ! "Gotta deliver all the toys to all the good girls and boys!"
She takes off everything, climbs on Santa's lap, and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey, I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[snusgetter]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting
in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine,
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug.'


They got up, unplugged the 'puter,
and threw out my wine.




They're such asses ...

[bill77.017]

Ha ha, these jokes are great, fellas!!!. A good laugh!!!. Keep em coming!!!


Seen in my local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.


A Guy walked into a bar dressed in the latest designer gear, dripping with diamonds and platinum and googobs of money.
His only visible problem was that he had a very little head.
After a few drinks I had the courage to ask him what happened.
His story is that he was on vacation with his wife in the Bahamas and they had a humiliating argument. To cool down he took a walk on the beach. while picking up rocks to throw in the ocean he happened upon an intricately blown and embroidered bottle. Picking it up to brush off the sand, a genie popped out. Not your ordinary genie but an extremely beautiful genie the likes of which he had never seen. She granted him three wishes and he thought long and hard. His first wish was for a billion dollars in cash, which materialized instantly. Realizing that he had no way to move this much money, his second wish was for a fueled and piloted jet that would take him everywhere he desired. That satisfied his every wish and he looked at the beautiful genie and propositioned her for a roll in the sand. The genie said that she would love to, but she is a genie and not anatomically made like mortal women, she has no coochie.
The man then said "Then how about a little head".

[Bigblue1]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop
shouted to me...
'hey, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now fu ck off!'
.
..
...


A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make
me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger cock than your brother'

[snusgetter]

I rear-ended a car this morning..

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly
the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then,
which one are you?'





And that's when the fight started...

[snusgetter]

The broken lawn mower

When our lawn mower broke down and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But somehow I always had something else to take
care of: the truck, the car, playing golf; always
something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in
the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of
sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I
came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
'When you finish cutting the grass, you might
as well sweep the driveway.'





The doctors say I will walk again,
but I will always have a limp.

[NonServiam]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes his faithful friend. "Kemosabe, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Tonto.

Ranger ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Lone Ranger, you dumber than buffalo shit, someone has stolen our tent!"

[snusgetter]

I just realized how a comic must feel doing his shtick
on TV/Video with no audience present for feedback;
Great? Good?? Bad??? Indifferent????

btw, this is no reflection on what's posted here
..... just the observation of a fractured mind!!


(and I wonder how many water coolers are blushing right now!!)

[WickedKitchen]

The Two Poets

One day two poets died at the very same time. As they approached the pearly gates they were greeted by St. Peter. Much to their dismay St. Peter announced that God had a sort of affirmative action plan and that only one poet per day was allowed into heaven. St. Peter then asked the two poets for a volunteer. One poet would have to wait until tomorrow to enter but they both just looked at each other. Neither poet wanted to wait so St. Peter had to solve the dilemma. He then said that he would provide a word and each poet would have to come up with a short poem on the spot. The best poem writer would get to go in that day. They both agreed and St. Peter whispered the word Timbuktu to the first poet. He pondered for a moment and then said

"The moon is out and the stars are too...it's a beautiful night in Timbuktu." St. Peter thought that was pretty good for being off the top of his head.

The second poet heard the word and pondered. His eyes lit up and he said "I've got it!" His poem was as follows

"Tim and I. A hunting we went.
We spied three nude ladies in a tent.
They were three and we were two...
so I bucked one and Timbuktu!"

[WickedKitchen]

The Priest and the Rabbi

On a bright, sunny morning the Pastor of a catholic church left the rectory with a bottle of sacrificial wine that a neighboring parish needed for the weekend services. As he was driving down the road he noticed a car coming right for him. He swerved to avoid disaster but low and behold there was a collision. The pastor was jossled around a bit but was able to get out of the car. He rushed over to the other car to see if the driver was all right. He discovered a rabbi was driving this other car and that he lost control and crashed into the pastor. The pastor helped the rabbi out of his crumpled car and asked if he was Ok. The rabbi was visibly shaken but otherwise fine. The pastor immediately began to pray and thank God for sparing him and his fellow motorist. The rabbi also began to pray for being spared in this horrible accident. The pastor's eyes lit up and he declared that he had an idea. He rushed to his car and grabbed the bottle of sacrificial wine. He presented it to the rabbi with the thought that because they were spared a seemingly horrible demise they should celebrate and immediately consume the wine. The rabbi sighed a huge sigh of relief and agreed that it would be his honor to celebrate life at this moment. The rabbi grabbed the bottle and quickly guzzled ½ the bottle. He wiped his mouth and handed the bottle back to the priest who proceeded to put the cork back into the bottle and set it on the ground near the two wrecked cars. The rabbi was perplexed. He asked the priest when he was going to drink his half of the bottle and the priest smiled and replied "I think I'll wait until after the police get here."

[snusgetter]

The exam finished, the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear
to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would
like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold
and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually hot and sweaty."

The doctor asked to see the elderly wife.

After examining the wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you
the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time.
Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January, and the second time is in August."

[LaZeR]

Best way to get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it off.

That's the best way to get me off your leg to.

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[danielan]

What is big, red and eats rocks?


A big red rock-eater.