Jokes.

[snusgetter]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.

"Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" he asked.

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal.

As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use a spoon."

==============================================

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

She then described the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[snusgetter]

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.

She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

==============================================

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

[precious007]

The similarity between a panda and a virgin -

Both are very rare.

[precious007]

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.

He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich."

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."

The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

rolf =))

[snusgetter]

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.

He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich."

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."

The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

==============================================

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

==============================================

A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?"

A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five."

He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife."

The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?"

He says, "No, I only call her that in public."

The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?"

He says, "Lard ass."

[bill77.017]

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "Because I f*****g didn’t"

[Roo]

What's the best thing about ****ing twenty-nine year olds?

There's 20 of 'em

OK I think I've posted that one before, but I like it.

[snusgetter]

The Giant Cigarette Lighter

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?"

The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

[bill77.017]

Steven Hawkins goes on a date, the first in over ten years.

He arrives back from his date with a broken wrist, broken ankle, and scuffed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.'


I’ve just got back from a muslim birthday party...................

f**k me.........
pass the parcel was over quick.



Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"

[CoderGuy]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[snusgetter]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-four," he said.

=================================================


Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?
--George Carlin


=================================================

The Harrisons were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Harrison made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doc," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Harrison pointed to his wife and said, "Show him, honey."

=================================================

A blond is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blond returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blond nods.

"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

[bipolarbear1968]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken boat full of politicians. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of politicians.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son!

Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." ........and they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because politicians taste much better without the crap inside!

[snusgetter]

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. She's a redhead and is driving me nuts! You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment.

"Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to **** your wife six times a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away." He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed.

One day, while at a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your redheaded wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

[bipolarbear1968]

One day, LaZer came home and was greeted by his fiance dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and reached for his FURBER.

[bipolarbear1968]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years