Jokes.

[snusgetter]

Retiree Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine
whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup
and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Jimbob_Rebel]

Sex In The Shower
In a recent survey, people from the inner city in New Orleans
have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut',
a huge 91% of inner city New Orleans residents said that
they have enjoyed sex in the shower frequently.
(The other 9% said that they had not been to prison.)

[Jimbob_Rebel]

Truth and Defiance in Humor;

A Confederate veteran whose town was occupied by a Union garrison would sit on his front porch everyday & watch the yankees drill. From time to time he would repeat the phrase, “We sure beat those yankees at Chickamauga!”

After awhile the yankees became very annoyed at the old man for repeating this phrase everyday & made him take an oath to the Union with the promise that he would stop saying this to them during their daily drills. Of course, under the circumstances he had not choice but to comply or suffer their wrath further.

So the very next day after having been made a new citizen of the Union the old man was sitting on his front porch again watching the yankee troops going through their routine daily drills to which he exclaimed, “Them Rebels sure beat us yankees at Chickamauga!"

To me the moral of this story is, there is more than one way to tell the truth.

[Jimbob_Rebel]

The Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
And drinking from his farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.'

(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.')

The kneeling man shouts back:
'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If
you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'

The Amish farmer says:
'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

[Jimbob_Rebel]

Proof of who is your best friend:
This will dispel all rumors...

If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you.

[Jimbob_Rebel]

Bears and Party Politics;

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground
in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge
of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"
hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself
from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The
other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers
finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of
their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the
back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I
heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own
eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who
was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get
another one?"

[WickedKitchen]

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?



'cos he was dead.

[Bigblue1]

Lol

[Roo]

Best way to get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it off.

[snusgetter]

Dog For Sale

FREE TO GOOD HOME

Excellent guard dog

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more drug pushers,
thieves, murderers, or molesters
left in the neighborhood for him to eat



Most of them knew Jethro
only by his Oriental street name,
何利媽
(Ho Lee Schitt)

[bill77.017]

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."


One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says "Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!"

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says "Surpise, its me the Hippie!"

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says "Surprise, its me the bus driver!"

[snusgetter]

Luckily we don't let politics get in the way of our humor!

(Or is it the other way around?)

[Jimbob_Rebel]

The Queen's Riddle

The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot!
It's Tony Blair!"

....AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.

[snusgetter]

Banned from Walmart

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least,
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

[dxh]

So that would be what?

A troke? Or a Juth??

[ATTACH=CONFIG]489[/ATTACH]

Hmm. I like juth, but if we want the topic to be funny we might stay away from that...sounds a lot like jew.
Next thing will be a post about how Obama is a Nazi anti jew, and Bush made him that way or something.