Jokes.

[sgreger1]

lol, I beat him to it

LOLOOLLOL, we must have been thinking on the same wavelength. Either that or I blatantly copy/pasted the post from before me just to troll you.

[bill77.017]

Men's Christmas Wishes

As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks And doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, Once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor,
And once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
and brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
So I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

[sgreger1]

I introduce to you: Troll God

[snusgetter]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.

The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally asked.

"Yeah," said the attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means ...
Unleaded Fuel Only."

[Snusdog]

A man and a women are in an elevator

As the elevator nears the top floor of the skyscraper............. the cable breaks

They begin to plummet to a most certain death

Knowing that her life is almost over the woman rips her shirt off and say to the man..................make me feel like a woman

the man then rips his shirt off and says......................OK................iron this

[snusgetter]

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York.

It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

The other one says, “No, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.”

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

“Great”, he said! “Just great”!

The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!"

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing...”

“What’s that?”

“Did you fart yet?”

“No . . . ”

“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”

==================

OH YEAH -- 'TIS THE SEASON

[WickedKitchen]

A guy sits at a bar and orders a beer. Then a second. Then a third. Then he notices a large gorilla behind the bar, sitting quietly at the other end. He asks the bartender why the hell there is a gorilla there. The bartender says that he'll show him. He reaches under the bar and pull out a wooden baseball bat. The bartender walks up to the gorilla and swings for his head. CRACK. He connects perfectly with the gorilla. The beast drops to the floor and starts blowing the bartender. The man at the bar was fascinated. After the gorilla completed the task he goes back to his spot at the end of the bar. The bartender then walks over to the man and asks him if he'd like to give it a shot. The man says sure...just don't hit me so hard with that bat.

[WickedKitchen]

Ok, well I don't know if my buddy was messin' with me or not, but either way it's good enough for this thread.

He was minding his 10y/o nephew and the kid told him that the first humans were made from God and called Adam and Eve, and that we did not evolve from monkeys. Well, my buddy then asked him if they were white. The kid said that they were 'cos that's what he sees in the pictures. My buddy then asked him where all the Chinese people came from, and the Puerto Ricans, and the Africans. He simply replied..."oh, they came from monkeys."

[devilock76]

A traveling salesman goes into a bar with two roll of quarters to play the Megatouch machine at the bar, his favorite way to pass time on the road.

While sitting at the bar he notices one of those large bulk pretzel jars, almost like a tip jar on the bar but it is filled with $100 bills. So he calls the bartender over to ask him if those are his tips?

The bartender explains that no they are part of a contest we have here at the bar, you put $100 in the jar and have to face three challenges, if you surmount all three you win all the money in the jar, and no one has done it yet.

So the salesman asks what the challenges are.

So the bartender points to the back of the bar and says, "See that big biker over there playing pool, you have to go pick a fight with him and knock him out." The guy looks back and sees a 6'7" guy that must weigh at least 350 lbs and asks, "What's the second challenge?"

So the bartender motions over his shoulder to the side and says, "See that door there to next to the bar, it leads into the alley by the building, chained out there is a mean as cuss rottweiler that hates everyone, he has a bad tooth, the next challenge is to pull the bad tooth from the rottweiler."

The salesman says, "What the hell is the third challenge?"

So the bartender points to the far corner of the bar and says, "See those stairs over there, well up those stairs and down the hall to the third door on the left is a woman who has been a hooker for 40 years and has never had an orgasm. You have to go and pleasure her till she has an orgasm."

Well upon hearing these insane challenges the sales man decides never mind and goes back to his drink and the mega touch machine. Figures there are better ways to spend $100.

Well about an hour or two passes and he uses his first roll of quarters, has had a good number of doubles and develops some "whiskey courage". So he gets up, puts $100 in the jar and starts marching back towards the biker at the pool table. Well people look up and start to take notice at the latest sucker in the contest. As he is walking back there he reaches his hand into his pocket and grabs the other roll of quarters. He goes to the biker, taps on his shoulder, and as the biker is turning around he cold decks him with his hand clenched around the roll of quarters and the biker drops and out.

Well it is one of those bar moments in the movies where the jukebox skips and now everyone is looking, no one has ever even gotten this far. The salesman turns around and marches towards the door going, "Ok Rottwiler." He kicks the door open marches out there and everyone in the bar gets their ear to the wall. They hear, woof woof, growl grr growl grr, whimper, whimper, howl howl HOOOWWWWLLLL.

They move back to their seats, and just after the salesman limps through the door. He is covered in blood, ripped up clothing, basically looks like he has been in a car accident.

The bartender say, "wow 2 down 1 to go, but are you ok?"

The salesman shakes off the question but then asks, "OK, so where is that hooker with the bad tooth?"

Ken

[Maher]

Was funnier 2 post ago LOL

lol, I beat him to it

[CoderGuy]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know . . . I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The welfare clerk behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but as part of your job assignment, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

Was funnier 2 post ago LOL

[sgreger1]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know . . . I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The welfare clerk behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but as part of your job assignment, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

[visiON]

Or you could just never shower. Granted, that may make it impossible to get ANY woman, but hey!

Already doing that, might be a coincidence no girl talks to me..

[Maher]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.



When he finally got to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job!"



The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.



You'll have to drive her around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.



"Because of the long hours, a room & meals will be provided.



You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.



This is rather awkward to say, but as part of your job assignment, you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges,



since the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."



The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"



The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

[Ainkor]

It would also be a good idea to stop at a Taco Bell and wrap a burrito around your member so that the scent of a woman isn't detected by the other...

Or you could just never shower. Granted, that may make it impossible to get ANY woman, but hey!