Jokes.

[Maher]

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are

120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is

0.171 Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this: Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this
alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,
We withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

[bill77.017]

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

[Ansel]

I went to a zoo the other day but the only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

[Premium Parrots]

Harlequin Novel, Updated.... 2011 Version:

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing,
and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs,
I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[snusgetter]

Hubby was sitting at the kitchen table reading his papers
when his wife hit him in the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

Said the wife, "That was for the piece of paper with the
name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."

Hubby then said, "When I was at the races last week Jenny
was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the guy's watching TV when his wife bashes
him in the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him
unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had
hit him again.

The wife replied, "Your horse phoned."

[Premium Parrots]

Teacher ask children in skool " children name an object which is heavy and light " ( object which Can be the most heavy and most light in the World) one pupile rase his hand and says " helium" -- it is not totaly correct boy( the other says "aluminium"-" not correct "- says teacher one little boy in the corner Of classroom very eger to answer rased his hand and waiting when teacher Will respond to him , finely teacher givs him à word and that boy says" Dear teacher i think that the most light and heavy thing is Penis"What ;((????"in the classroom it is quite children are afrad what teacher Can Do With that boy ;(( But teacher where very expearenced person and ask the boy"Can you explain why son?;(" "well penis is lightest in the warld becous of 1 thought it Can go up ...... And it is heaviest Becouse if it is down nothing in the World Can raise it Up"

thats right folks....Dear Mr GN and his comedy routine will be here all week for your comedic enjoyment. lmao

[GN Tobacco Sweden AB]

Teacher ask children in skool " children name an object which is heavy and light " ( object which Can be the most heavy and most light in the World) one pupile rase his hand and says " helium" -- it is not totaly correct boy( the other says "aluminium"-" not correct "- says teacher one little boy in the corner Of classroom very eger to answer rased his hand and waiting when teacher Will respond to him , finely teacher givs him à word and that boy says" Dear teacher i think that the most light and heavy thing is Penis"What ;((????"in the classroom it is quite children are afrad what teacher Can Do With that boy ;(( But teacher where very expearenced person and ask the boy"Can you explain why son?;(" "well penis is lightest in the warld becous of 1 thought it Can go up ...... And it is heaviest Becouse if it is down nothing in the World Can raise it Up"

[HK11]

What's the worst part about babysitting children??


Getting blood on your clownsuit.

[Premium Parrots]

excellent!!

[Maher]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck ownerfor a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the manbehind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card anda concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr .Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a.45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot." The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat." The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns.

May I ask what you are afraid of? Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,

"Not a ****ing thing!"

[Maher]

John walked into a sports cafeteria around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a fool at the cafeteria.
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The fool looked at John and said,
“Do you think he’ll jump?”
John said, ”You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The fool replied, ”Well, I bet he won’t.”
John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
“You’re on!”
Just as the fool placed his money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The fool was very upset,
But willingly handed his $20 to John.
“Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
John replied, ”I can’t take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.”
The fool replied, ”I did, too,
But I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
John took the money.

[Hanske]

Well, it isn't a joke, but... This is an episode fo "tullefonen", and Norwegian adaption of the British show "Fonejacker". An American tourist calls a restaurant in Oslo, asking for "pinnekjøtt" (traditional Norwegian lamb ribs), lutefisk (dried fish), fløtegratinerte poteter (creamed potatos) and tilslørte bondepiker (creamy Norwegian dessert)

http://www.vgtv.no/?id=41000


EDIT: Btw, the conversation is in English.

[CoderGuy]

got this in an email from my financial planner...


VERY IMPORTANT FACTS FROM YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISER!

A single guy was living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card .... And three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

LMAO. Well the fact that he felt he needed a wife to share his fortune should have rendered him mentally unfit.

[Premium Parrots]

got this in an email from my financial planner...


VERY IMPORTANT FACTS FROM YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISER!

A single guy was living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card .... And three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[CoderGuy]

I got this in an email today from an old friend..........



Hey Glenn... For some reason I thought of you after reading this joke. I don't know why?



Doctor Glenn had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No

matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The

guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head

that said, 'Glenn, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner

to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go, Glenn.'

But, invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,

whispering: Glenn.................





You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard!!!

LMAO! I can see why he thought of you.