Jokes.

[charmando]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

[Maher]

Take a BREAK... ENJOY THE JOKE!!

* They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.



* Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.



* Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!



* Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue.. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.



* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.



* Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married..

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.



* Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!



* Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[Xobeloot]

How do you make 5lbs of fat look good?...








Put a nipple on it.

[Hanske]

This isn't a joke, it's a true story. I read it on a Norwegian board.

A guy worked in Smart Club, a Norwegian equalent to Wal-Mart. A British woman came in with her new TV, and claimed it was obsessed by the devil. He asked why, and do you know the reason? God Channel didn't work!

[Premium Parrots]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[Maher]

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, "Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?"
''Why?" Paddy asked.
"Because," said Mick, "the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday."
Paddy said, "Stupid idiots, the laugh's on them ... I wasn't home yesterday."

[precious007]

A little girl comes in with her dad to the hairdresser. She sits beside the barber on a chair, eating a donut while her dad is clipped. The barber smiles at her and tells her kindly:
- Hmmm, I am afraid there will be hair on your donut!
- I know .... I know . And my tits will grow as well .......

[timoteo]

What did the General do with his armys?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
He put them in his sleavys

[precious007]

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of rum.
It's rum that does all that shit.
Never mind.

rum as well

Especially Malibu and Captain Morgain

[Maher]

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of rum.
It's rum that does all that shit.
Never mind.

[nicodude]

Wow, I cannot belive I spent over half an hour reading that rattle snake joke/story on the first page just to get to the a punch line of 'better nate than lever'....

With such a complex begining, I expected something, more er.. complex for an ending.

[ProudMarineDad]

ONE DAY JOB
============

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,

I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, very
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "H... no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the
h... would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?"

So I replied,
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of
work.

[Rattlesnake]

A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Ma, I got married." Her mother said, "Oy, that's great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar." Her mother said, "So for ninety cents, you're going to make trouble?"

Copied from Guyplace.com

[precious007]

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the dick skin rocket to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Central.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to the entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results
-If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

lol

couldn't agree more ...

Just kept on answering C

..........even though I'd be called a jerk... I'm still a man

[Hanske]

Lol..


I found this a little amusing, it's from a Norwegian supermarket. Just to tell you, "har du spist frukt i dag?" means "have you eaten any fruit today?".