Jokes.

[snusgetter]

[Premium Parrots]

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the dick skin rocket to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Central.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to the entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results
-If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

[jagmanss]

What's the difference between brussel sprouts and pubic hair? Nothing. You push both to the side and just keep on eating.

[WickedKitchen]

Hahahaha dick jokes.

How do you find an old man in the dark?

It aint hard.

[WickedKitchen]

There was a guy traveling through the dessert and he met up with an American Indian all decked out in his warrior gear and painted face and all. They walked along for a while then the Indian stopped and knelt down to feel the ground. He paused there for a minute and held his palm to the ground then muttered "Hmm...Buffalo come." The guy was a little nervous 'cos he remembered feeling the train tracks as a kid to know if a train was coming. He feared a stampede and he asked the Indian how he knows that buffalo come. The Indian replied. "Ground sticky."

Heh...that was triggered by the fleshlight thread. Ha!!!!

[xMurderJunkiex]

A man is sitting in a doctor's waiting room waiting for his wife's diagnosis.
The doctor finally comes out and sits down next to him and says, "well, we've narrowed your wife's problems down to either syphillis or Alzheimers."
The man says, "So what now?"


Doctor says, "Well, we dropped her in the middle of the city. If she makes her way home, don't **** her."

[Hanske]

Found a new one of the same guy...

[Hanske]

He seems very happy with himself there

[WickedKitchen]

That's pretty funny with the skier.

[Hanske]

I do not know a single joke... I know some Swedish jokes, though...

In 1868 a Swede invented the toilet seat. In 1869 a Norwegian put a hole in it

I guess this isn't really funny if you aren't Norwegian.

===========================================

This Norwegian skier, Oddbjørn Hjelmeset (feel free to laugh of the name), is asked a question in Japanese at the press conference in Sapporo, Japan, after the world cup. Here's his answer.

[jagmanss]

A mom is tidying her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines... She asks hers husband what she should do and he says "DO NOT FRICKIN SPANK HIM!!!!"

[timoteo]

Has anybody herd about the kid in Maryland that got arrested for robbing houses because he left his cell phone behind charging at one of the houses.. pretty funny.

That dude is from my home town and an old friend of a friend of mine. He was always pretty weird, but I dont think any of us would of guessed he was a thief.

But on the light side, at least we finnaly know what happened to all the change that went missing at my friends house..

edit: this is a true story, you can google it. just search idiot robber.

[xrt]

Subject: Bible logic

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and

I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:



'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

Hah Hah Hah, that made my day. Thanks xD

[Maher]

Subject: Bible logic

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as
to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and

I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:



'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[Connavar]

a man walks into a bar up to the bartender and demands that he pour him a glass of 30 year old scotch.
the bartender pulls out a glass and pours the drink
the man sips on it and throws the glass against the wall and says " that was 15 year old i said 30 damnit!"
the bar tender pulls out another glass and pours him another drink of scotch
the man sips this time and once again throws the glass and says" are you stupid, i said 30 year old, that was 20!"
the bartender getting irritated with the customer walks to the store room to find another bottle
after several minutes he walks back up with a fresh glass and sets it down in front of the man.
the man grabs the glass and takes a large drink and spits it out almost instantly shouting " dear lord that tastes like piss!"
the bartender smiling responds "thats great!! now can you tell me how old i am?"