Jokes.

[Premium Parrots]

lmao. I knew it was going to be good if TripleT posted it.

[triplethreat675]

Best divorce letter ever!

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."

Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like you wouldn't believe and ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please, let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the f***ing remote is?

Love Dan

[Kstolen23]

Maybe it's because I've told it so many times. . . But that ^ doesn't sound as funny as when I normally tell it. : /

[Kstolen23]

This'll be worth the read . . .

The Chicken and the Horse

There once was a chicken and a horse that lived in a farm
When the farmer would fall asleep the chicken and the horse would go for a walk
One day, the horse fell knee deep in mud and could not escape and said to the chicken,
''Quick chicken, get the farmers BMW and some rope and pull me out!''
And the chicken did so and they went home,
A few days later they went for another walk
this time the chicken fell knee deep in mud and could not get out and said,
''Quick horse, get the farmers BMW and some rope and pull me out!'' To which the horse replied,
''No, wait. I'll just pull my dick out and you can grab onto it and then I'll pull you in.''
and they did so and it worked and they then went home safely.

So the moral of the story is,

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pull chicks in!

[whalen]

Went to nurse with rash on my balls. She looked and told me to stop masturbating, I asked why, she said "because I'm trying to examine you"

Hello, "I shit my pants thread", we got another one..............................!

[Premium Parrots]

Lol. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

lmao good one.

[bill77.017]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Lol. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

[Premium Parrots]

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

[bill77.017]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, and a goat stood up.

[bill77.017]

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

[bipolarbear1968]

I tried sniffing coke once... but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

[bill77.017]

lol

What's the worst thing to hear your doctor say during a prostate exam? 'Look! No hands!'

Lol. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

[bipolarbear1968]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

lol

What's the worst thing to hear your doctor say during a prostate exam? 'Look! No hands!'

[bill77.017]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

[bipolarbear1968]

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.