Jokes.

[bipolarbear1968]

I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible.

[bipolarbear1968]

Went to nurse with rash on my balls. She looked and told me to stop masturbating, I asked why, she said "because I'm trying to examine you"

[bipolarbear1968]

Is it wrong to tell a "knock knock" joke to a homeless person?

[Roo]

A homophobe, a racist, and a rapist walk into a bar. The bartender says: "Hey Kobe, can I have your autograph?"

[whalen]

A joke for my friend in Sweden-
Two totally unbiased Snus Bloggers were talking over the phone about Funny looking cans, failed snus lines, and the horrors of TSNA's due to under steaming tobacco.
One of the Bloggers was not at Langley, although he thought his undisclosed location was Langley, and the other one was in the middle South, located at his world headquarters in the McDonalds at the local Wallmart, the one with the free Wireless.
They were also talking about how important it was to keep a honest unbiased opinion about the industry, and how pissed they were that SM had not given them as many freebies as usual.
One of them was remarking how he could not get his nose under the tent of that mysterious upstart company with those gazillion funky cans.
The other one had just finished a new snus review and was in the freebie box trying to find a "Minty" one so he could insert the name into the finished review.
Sorry, insider joke! Not going to be funny! never mind................

[snusgetter]

I went fishing this morning, but after a short
time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner
of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his
mouth.

"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the
frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind
the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait
bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was
I going to release the snake without getting
bit?

So I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels
and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident
and carried on fishing using the frog.


A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot..
There was that same snake with two more
frogs in his mouth.


Life is good in the South.

[Ansel]

Police are searching for a tiny clairvoyant who's escaped from prison. She's described as - a small medium at large.

[GN Tobacco Sweden AB]

a friend sent me this one. I love it.......for obvious reasons.


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

Great Joke

[Premium Parrots]

a friend sent me this one. I love it.......for obvious reasons.


Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

[Maher]

An old fly fisherman comes in from the stream, & heads for the nearest tavern. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old fisherman walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of other sun-wrinkled fly fishermen. She glides down behind the bar to the old fisherman.
"Yes?" she inquires w/ a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old fisherman leans over the bar & whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes w/ that wide smile & purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."
The old fisherman leans closer & into her left ear says softly, "Well, wash your hands real ****ing good because I want a cheeseburger."

[precious007]

Hmmmm... thought this ^ sounded familiar .....................

LMAO!!!

Didn't see it posted yet

but it's damn hilarious :^)

[snusgetter]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Hmmmm... thought this ^ sounded familiar .....................

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.

After a quick exam, the doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a
urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.

And once again the old man says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE,
A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"


With that the old woman turns to the old man
and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[precious007]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[ProudMarineDad]

The Dog and The Leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to
the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in
mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away
into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard, "That was close.
That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The
monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,

"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him.
I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard,
and he's still not back!!"

[charmando]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."