My Journey......Mrs. Butterworth, 128 years of hard waffles

[Premium Parrots]

The Augusta Masters Golf Tournament

A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head...."No. They're all at the funeral."

[Premium Parrots]

[Skell18]

CLEAR! Thump........yes, we have a pulse.........

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

hahahaha love it!

[Burnsey]

CLEAR! Thump........yes, we have a pulse.........

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[squeezyjohn]

;-)

phew! I thought this place had gone to the dogs!

Nice to see you Gracie - thanks for your contribution.

[Gracie]

what an interesting thread. I guess I should contribute as well.

[Burnsey]

Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."




The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.




"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before, and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."




The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

[Frosted]

In the Brit Army you don't use automatic for a long time.....until you get your drills and application of fire second nature.

[trebli]

Yes, full auto at nine years old is a bit early. However, my grandfather allowed me to fire his .22 LR at that age, under his supervision. He was quite the marksman even in his later years.

[Andy105]

And a full-auto Uzi, too. Not too smart.

[Frosted]

I'm taking my son clay pigeon shooting at 18....but 9?? No way.

[trebli]

Nine-Year-Old Girl Accidentally Shot Her Gun Instructor Dead With An Uzi





The Brits are giving us Americans hell in the comments section.


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti....html#comments

[dquinn104]

Landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many of us former executives with no skills.


I lasted less than a day ……





Started at 8 o’clock and about 11, a very loud, decidedly unattractive woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,



"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart."






I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"






The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.






Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"






I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone XXXked you twice.







Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."






My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Haha that just made my day

[Burnsey]

Landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many of us former executives with no skills.


I lasted less than a day ……





Started at 8 o’clock and about 11, a very loud, decidedly unattractive woman walked into
the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,



"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart."






I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"






The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7.






Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"






I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.. I just couldn't believe someone XXXked you twice.







Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."






My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Burnsey]