My Journey......Mrs. Butterworth, 128 years of hard waffles

[Burnsey]

A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she then says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The pilot replies, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Sydney.”
That pilot knew what he was doing!

[Burnie]

"TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF"

(If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is
starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb!
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?

[Burnsey]

It was snowing all night. So my morning goes something like this:


8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's
voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two
snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a
headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed
because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter
: "Certainly, if it's up your a***"
8:45 TV news crew from Fox News show up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am
called a sexist.
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being handcuffed
and taken to the Police station in a marked van.
9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble
during difficult weather.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. (Mark owes me money, and Geo kicked my cat, so I mutter their names just loud enough to be heard and recorded)....
9:29 A little-known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
10:17 I let slip that I identify as neither male nor female, but as "other", I have 9 kids by 11 different baby mammas, need shoes , a car and food, and that I am in the USA and on this planet illegally.
10:19 I am set free, given a Cadillac Escalade, a Food card with $1.4 million dollars on it, a pair of $3,000 Ultra Nike Seismograph shoes, and am presented the key to the universe, Milky Way entrance.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live
today!

[Burnsey]

IRISH GHOST STORY


This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..

‘Look Paddy ... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[Premium Parrots]

LMAO, good one....

[Burnsey]

^^^^

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to
the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy alot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

“Good question” noted the CFO. "We save them up and send
them back to the bandage company and every once in a while,
they send us a free roll."

“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
in his arrogant and obnoxious way. "What do you do with
what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

“Ah, yes”, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and
every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."


“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well, he went on, "What do
you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and
about once a year they send us a complete prick." --

[Premium Parrots]

[Burnsey]

Here's another example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations:

I just read of a professional, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

This just goes to show you, one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts and prayers for him and his family. The article says he really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian!

[Premium Parrots]

I didn't even notice the music. That guy was so inspiring I almost got out of bed so my wife could make it....

[Burnsey]

Good one PP, tho I could have done without the violin backround music........

[Premium Parrots]

[Burnsey]

Subject:
Facebook for Seniors To others of my
generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even
exists, maybe try the following, like I'm doing. Here's what I'm
doing to gain better understanding:

I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook,
but while applying the same principles.
Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what
I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night
before, what I will do later, and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dead dog,
and of me gardening, taking things apart in
the garage, or fixing things, watering the lawn, standing in front of
landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody
and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations,
then give them the "THUMBS UP" and tell them I like them.

And it works! I already have four people following me: Two police officers,
a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

[Burnsey]

[Burnsey]

^^^^^Thank God he's not really a drinker!
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As I get older, I realize:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off..

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

Happy Monday!

[Premium Parrots]

Drunk Trump. Video slowed down 50%..........I don't like Jimmy Kimmel but this is pretty funny.