JOKE THREAD

[wa3zrm]

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

She has her food prepared for her.

She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.

Her meals are provided at no cost to her.

She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup,
and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house
that is much larger than she needs,
but she is not required to do any upkeep.

If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.

She receives these accommodations absolutely free.

She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,

Holy SHIT, my dog is a democrat!

[sgreger1]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman , Montana , while waiting for their respective flights...


One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... My people were many... But sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .





'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
But I do believe it's a-comin'.

[Roo]

Bush played that game pretty well... He just "smoked 'em out! Dead or alive!"

Lol c'mon sgreger, you're a crass sonofabitch, gimme a better one. Make it dirty.

[sgreger1]

Bush played that game pretty well... He just "smoked 'em out! Dead or alive!"

Lol c'mon sgreger, you're a crass sonofabitch, gimme a better one. Make it dirty.

Soon we will be sending over relief blankets with smallpox to them dar muzlims!!11!!!one!!11



I even have a joke that's not even anti-obama, but still anti-muslim, just for you Roo!!


Did you hear the one about Gordon Brown and Barak Obama?

So Brown and Obama are shown a time machine which will answer any question about the future. they are both keen to try it out.

Obama steps up the machine and says "Tell me, what will America be like in 30 years' time?"

The machine whirs into life, clunks and clanks and our comes a printed report. Obama picks it up, read it and smiles with satisfaction.

"What does it say?" asks Brown

"It says that America will be stable with a good, strong economy, full employment and widespread health and prosperity" replies Obama, looking pleased.

Brown steps eagerly up to the machine.

"Tell me machine, what will the UK be like in 30 years' time?" he asks.

Again, the machine whirs into life, clunks and clanks and out comes a printed report. Brown picks it up, examines it and frowns.

"What does it say?" Obama asks, with interest.

"I have no idea" says Brown, with a shrug. "Its all in Arabic . . ."

[tom502]

Not bad.

[ProudMarineDad]

There was a minister whose wife was expecting a baby.
The minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the
minister's pay situation.

You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the minister got up and spoke to the crowd,
"Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard
stood up, and in his frail voice said...

"Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God,'
but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

[ProudMarineDad]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York
City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how
the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic
Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for
shopping at The Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened
The Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and can
really cook.

The third floor has wives that love sex, have money, can really
cook and are drop dead gorgeous.


The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[outsidelinebacker20]

That, my friend, says it all. Perfect reflection of reality.

Kevin

[sgreger1]

WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

President Obama and VP Biden are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in
and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Biden sitting over
there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What
are you guys doing in here?"

Obama says, "We're planning W.W. III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one
blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?




Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?
Obama turns to Biden and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit
about the 140 million Muslims.

[Premium Parrots]

ROTFLMMFAOPIMP!! Good one!

[OrderOfSolve]

Did you hear about the Blonde who got hurt eating Mountian Oysters?
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She was dragged a 100 foot!

[texasmade]

Citizens Rights

[sgreger1]

Cummon guys, no one has any more jokes? Don't let this thread die.






Washington, D.C., an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he
had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for
his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really
like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die," whispered
the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.


The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a
response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Speaker Nancy Pelosi
would be delighted to visit the priest.


As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and
might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."


Speaker Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.


When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in
his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a
look of serenity on the old priest's face.


Finally, President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have
chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"


The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."


"Amen," said President Obama. "Amen," said Speaker Pelosi.



The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves;

I would like to do the same."

[Snusmun]

Have you heard about the new Science Fiction based Porno? Sarah Palin stars as the new Barbarella blasting through the galaxy in a spaceship shaped like a hockey puck. She finds a planet inhabited by "Special Needs" men, and she bangs them all. It's called Avatard.

[LaZeR]