JOKE THREAD

[Mamafish83]

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands..

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.


Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.


As she comes back the male doc says “I bet you are a surgeon.” She confirms and asks how he knew. “Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”


“That’s very clever” she says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist”.

“Wow, how did you guess?”




“I didn’t feel a thing.”



Hahahaha lol

[lxskllr]

@lxskllr...... no ****ing way... no ****ing god damn son of a bitch way. I sat and read that whole story, top to bottom, had me on the edge of my seat the whole way through, I was thinking oh my god the longer the joke the funnyer the punchline. Then I got to the end... You son of a bitch. All for a play on the words of an uber-cliche phrase. I want my 30 minutes back!! lol

:^D

That's what makes the joke awesome! :^D

[blotgode]

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at her and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm. "How about Iraq?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first? Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know shit?"

[Mamafish83]

:evil: This is the prayer I say before work, on days I just can't control my ingrained female bitchyness, or days I just need to remind myself to chill out.
------------------------------



Heavenly Father

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

The wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they
pissed me off.

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be
connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday,
40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.

And help me to remember: When I'm having a really bad day, and it
seems that people are really trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles
to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite my ass.

Amen

[Cy]

A middle aged man is feeling depressed about his fading looks. He decides to get plastic surgery on his face. After the procedure when hes all better he asks a man behind a newstand, "How old do I look to you?" Guy replies "I dunno 34-35 maybe?" He smiles and nope and walks away.

Later hes in a deli to order lunch and he asks the man behind the counter, "How old do I look to you sir?" The man replies "I guess 32-33?" The man smiles and says, "No actually Im 42!"

Feeling great that his investment in plastic surgery has been a sucess he asks one more person, an elderly women waiting for the bus next to him. He asks the lady "Ma'am, how old do you think I am?" The old lady looks him over and says, "Well, I have this ability to tell a mans age by feeling his privates." The man is surprised but sees no one around and decides to let her try.

After 10 minutes of fondling him the woman says "Your 42 years old." The man is flabergasted and asks how she did that. The woman replies "Oh, I was behind you at the deli"

[ctimb2002]

A shameless bump because we need to read this one again....enjoy the laughs

Why did the chicken cross the road?













To get to the other side stupid.

[9 Jack 9]

A receptionist at a doctor's office is busy doing paperwork when she hears an awful screaming coming from one of the examination rooms. Before she could get up to investigate, a screaming nun bursts from the exam room and runs out of the office, hollering and yelling all the way down the road.

The receptionist sticks her head into the exam room and sees the doctor calmly sitting there.

"Doctor! What just happened?"

"You mean all the screaming? Well, I just had to give Sister Mary Catherine the news that she was pregnant."

The receptionist gasps. "You can't be serious. Is she really pregnant?"

"Nope," says the doctor, "but it sure as hell cured her hiccups."

[sheilalynn]

My problem is I'm trying to find only the cleaner non-raccist ones.....

(Don't want to piss anyone off, much......)

Bummer...now I'm sorta afraid to post some tasteless jokes :P

[sheilalynn]

A tramp walked into a bar one day and started begging for drinks. One of the patrons says he will by the old drunk a drink, but first he has to take a drink from the spittoon in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes over and picked up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts swallowing all the greeny yellow snot down his throat.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really think the tramp would do it is horrified, "Stop, Stop," he yells, " I will buy you a drink now!"
But the tramp keeps drinking all the snot, dribbling some down his chin, gurgling away on the slimy fluid.
"Stop now," says the patron, "I will buy you a full bottle!"
But still the tramp keeps guzzling down the rotten cough drizzle. "Please stop," said the patron, "I will buy you two bottles!"
But still the tramp keeps swallowing the snotty greeny liquid. Finally after about 5 minutes the tramp tips the spittoon right back and slurps the rest of the snot from the bottom.
He walks back to the bar collects his two bottles and begins to leave.
The patron, spewing all over the bar, tears running down his face says, "Tell me, why didn't you stop when I asked you to?"
"I couldn't," said the tramp, "It was all in one lump!"

[sheilalynn]

(Hope I don't offend anyone with the sexual nature of this little joke...) :wink:

One man goes to a hooker bar and is reading a newsletter from the place and it says," For only 100 bucks a person, one of our girls will give you a bj and whistle at the same time." The man thinks this is ridiculous but decides to get her anyway. He brings a couple friends over to his house and when they get inside, she says," I am gonna take you in individually one by one, into this dark room, and I will whistle while giving you head." The man goes in there and she starts whistling. The man says," How do you do it?" She tells him she won't tell him how. The next guy has the same thing and says the same thing. The third guy says to his friends," I'm gonna figure out how the hell she does that." So he goes in there, and right when she starts whistling, flicks on the light. He sees a glass eye in a cup of water.

If you think about it, you'll understand.

[sheilalynn]

And one more...obviously I decided to just go ahead and post these, hehe

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

[CM]

Erhm. Apologizes about this joke but I couldn't resist to tell it, it's little bit rasist. (I'm not one of those)

How break-dance was invented?
When n*****s tried to steal dust caps from moving cars.

:lol:

[SnusinUsa]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[Premium Parrots]

A joke..........


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



P.S. I didn't see it coming, either.

[Premium Parrots]

Tough Cowboys


Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales ...

Tom, the hand from South Dakota says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Bernie from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. That's nothing, "I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."


Pete, the cowboy from Montana remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.