JOKE THREAD

[Premium Parrots]

Goood Lord LX!! Was that a joke? This thread is for jokes not novels. lol

Awe :^( The length is what makes it good :^)

thats what my wife tells me

[blotgode]

A lawyer and a cowboy are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that cowboys are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the cowboy would like to play a fun game. The cowboy is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 you ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the cowboy's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The cowboy doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the cow boy's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the cowboy and hands him $500.

The cowboy pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.


The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.He wakes the cowboy up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'


The cowboy reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[Badfish74]

A man on a business trip decides to stop by the local watering hole before heading to the hotel after a grueling day of meetings.

While sitting at the bar he notices a huge jar stuffed to the top with ten dollar bills. Letting his curiosity get the better of him he asks the bartender what deal is with all the money.

The bartender says, "Pony up ten bucks and I'll tell ya. But once the money's in the jar that's where it stays.". The man shrugs and puts ten dollars in the jar. The bartender says, "I have three taks for you. If you complete all three tasks all the money in the jar is yours. The first task is to chug a liter of that hot pepper tequila. Once you start, you can't stop and when you're finished you can't chase it with anything. The second task is to go out behind the bar where you'll find an ornery old pit bull with a toothache. You have to pull out the sore tooth with your bare hands. The third task is to go to the bedroom upstairs where you'll find an 80 year old woman that's never had an orgasm. You have to make love to her until she has an orgasm."

The man looks at the bartender and exclaims, "You're crazy as hell! I ain't doing that!". The bartender shrugs and goes back to work.

After about ten rounds the man's liquid courage kicks in and he calls the bartender over. "Ya know what" the man says "hand me that bottle of tequila, I'm gonna do it!".

The bartender hands the man the tequila. The man turns it up and starts chugging. With tears streaming from his eyes and snot flowing from his nose, the man finishes the bottle and slams it down on the bar. He the pushes his sleeves up over his elbows and staggers out the door to the pit bull.

Evryone in the bar hears several minutes of terrible growling, snarling, barking, and yelling. Finally they hear a horrible, ear piercing scream, then total silence.

After several minutes the patrons decide the man must certainly be dead. Suddenly the door bursts open and there stands the man covered ib blood and his clothes ripped to shreds. He looks at the bartender and slurs, "Now where's that old broad with the toothache!".

[Badfish74]

Disclaimer:This joke is not intended to offend anyone. It is only meant to entertain. If anyone is offended I apologize in advance, and as punishment will glady accept 30 lashes with a wet spaghetti noodle.

After several weeks of having problems with the water pressure in my shower, I finally swallowed my pride and called a plumber.

A kindly old German man showed up at my house, and after taking a look at my shower, tells me he can have it fixed in about an hour.

The plumber finishes the job, takes my money, and leaves. Upon inspecting his work I discover that he has inadvetantly hooked the water line to my gas, and the gas line to my shower.

I guess old habits die hard!

[sgreger1]

My problem is I'm trying to find only the cleaner non-raccist ones.....

(Don't want to piss anyone off, much......)

Lol **** it post em all! Those jokes are always the best anyways

[lxskllr]

Disclaimer:This joke is not intended to offend anyone. It is only meant to entertain. If anyone is offended I apologize in advance, and as punishment will glady accept 30 lashes with a wet spaghetti noodle.

I'm offended!!

I don't appreciate you making blasphemous comments about my god :^S

http://www.venganza.org/

[Premium Parrots]

OK you guys hold him down and I'll go get the noodle and start whippin him.

[ctimb2002]

A mechanics joke...you must suspend disbelief starting....now

So a penguin is driving his little penguin car in the desert. All of a sudden smoke bellows from his engine compartment. He arrives at a service station where the mechanic asks the penguin to give him an hour so he can look over the car. The penguin notices an ice cream shop across the road and waddles over to get a cone. He notices his favorite ice cream Vanilla is on special and gets a triple scoop cone. Of course he only has flippers for hands and has much difficulty eating the 3 big scoops of ice cream. Unfortunately for our little penguin friend he only gets one scoop down him and the rest ends up all over him.

About an hour has passed so he waddles back over across the street. The mechanic looks quit stern at the penguin. Then thoughtfully removes his hat and delivers the bad new. Sir...It looks as if you've blown a seal...

The penguin starts to cry and squawks "NO IT"S ONLY ICE CREAM...I SWEAR!!!"

[sgreger1]

Disclaimer:This joke is not intended to offend anyone. It is only meant to entertain. If anyone is offended I apologize in advance, and as punishment will glady accept 30 lashes with a wet spaghetti noodle.

I'm offended!!

I don't appreciate you making blasphemous comments about my god :^S

http://www.venganza.org/

How dare you commit such blasphemy against the flying spaghetti monster! Forgive him lord FSM, for he knows not what does!!!!

[sgreger1]

@lxskllr...... no ****ing way... no ****ing god damn son of a bitch way. I sat and read that whole story, top to bottom, had me on the edge of my seat the whole way through, I was thinking oh my god the longer the joke the funnyer the punchline. Then I got to the end... You son of a bitch. All for a play on the words of an uber-cliche phrase. I want my 30 minutes back!! lol

[Premium Parrots]

ROTFLMMFAOPIMP!!

Someone actually read the whole thing.

[stew.12]

what do you call mexican basketball?

Juan on Juan

[Badfish74]

lxskllr wrote:

I'm offended!! I don't appreciate you making blasphemous comments about my god :^S

I have confessed my sins to the great and mighty FSM. I accept my fate to spend my remaining days with a collander on my head!

[ODurren]

A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose...drips.

Don't blame me I'm rewatching all the Stargate SG-1 episodes in order and finished that one. :lol:

[Mamafish83]

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon.


The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.


It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs.


The blonde says “what are you doing?” – and they say “we’re saving it for later!”



Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom.

The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?”



She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”