JOKE THREAD

[9 Jack 9]

Guy wakes up in a hospital after an operation and says "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor says "That's no surprise. We amputated your arms."

[Kanlee]

Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you
at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $7000 per
month.*****************************************
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he
was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't
know where he is...
******************************************* I like long
walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.
******************************************* The only
reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
******************************************** I have to
walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out
what I'm doing..
******************************************** I joined a
health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go
there. *******************************************
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I
wash my mouth out with chocolate.
******************************************** I do have
flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers
them.****************************************** The
advantage of exercising every day is so when you die,
they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't
he.' ********************************************
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with
a small country.
I know I got
a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just
getting over the hill.
We all get
heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more
information in our heads. That's my story and I'm
sticking to it. ***********************
********************* AND Every time I start thinking
too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave, I look just fine

[Kanlee]

Subject: Cussing


*When to start Cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old.
'I think it's about time we started cussing.
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast,I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass..'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair,tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!' She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know', he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'*

[blotgode]

The Pastor's Ass


The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the

race again and it won again.


The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor

not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS


This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline

the next day:


NUN HAS BEST
ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted.


He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day! :wink:

[blotgode]

Written across a wall of the newly discovered cave were the following symbols:

[img]http://a05-b05.mypicturetown.com:80/P2PwebCmdController/cache/-dBg5XELpFdxF8ja1%26PI-EqLruGH3JzY2wIqJVzT%3DX%3Dh2D0QXWW.v2uUszQ*hDN/item.jpg?rot=1[/img]



It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them'

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick'

[groverthesnake]

A cannibal chief took his son out on a hunting trip in the jungle. The pair hunted all morning and into the afternoon with no luck and were starting to get really hungry when they spotted a beautiful young woman from a
neighboring tribe bathing in a stream. The son said "Finally!, I'm starved!,
Lets's eat! The chief said to his son "No, son, we're not going to eat her".
The son said "What do you mean? We've been hunting all day with no luck, and we're famished!".
The chief said "We're gonna take her home......and eat your mother".

[cyrax777]

what did the elephant say to the naked man?










how do you breath out of that thing?

A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels just like home - either the shit doesn't get delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!

[Big L]

Three old Italian nuns die after a long life of service to the church. When they meet St. Peter, he tells them, "Since you have served God so well for all your lives, as a reward you may go back to earth for 1 week as anyone you wish."

The first nun says, with a heavy Italian accent, " I want to be ah Gina Lollabrdgida." St. Peter turns her into Gina Lollobridgida, and sends her off.

The second nun says, "I want to be ah Sophia Loren ah." Again, St. Peter transforms her into Sophia Loren and sends her off.

The third nun says, "I want to be ah Sahara Pipalini ah."

St. Peter scratches his head. "Sahara Pipalini, who is that? I've never heard of her."

Then the nun pulls out a newspaper article with the following headline:

Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days

[Big L]

A joke for my Canadian friends, no offence to any fellow Quebecois, my mom and her family are from Quebec.

Two boys are playing hockey at a pond in Toronto. Suddenly, a rabid dog attacks one of the boys. The other boy moves quickly to save his friend, takes his hockey stick and breaks the dog's neck with it. A reporter passing by sees the incident, and rushes over to write a story about it.

He starts writing in his notebook, "Young Leafs fan saves friend from vicious animal" The boy looks at the notebook and says, "Excuse me, I'm not a Leafs fan."
"Oh, sorry," says the reporter. He crosses it out and writes, "Young Blue Jays fan rescues friend from horrific attackl" The boy shakes his head. "I'm not a Jays fan either."
The reporter is puzzled. "Well, I assumed everyone in Toronto is either a Jays fan or a Leafs fan. Who do you root for then?"
"The Canadiens of course!" says the boy.
"I see..." says the reporter. Then he writes a new headline,"Little French bastard from Montreal kills beloved family pet."

[snupy]

Why were there only 10,000 Mexicans at the Alamo?

They only had one car.

[Liandri]

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

What was the pirate movie rated?
PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

Why did the blonde jump off a bridge?
Because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Doorbell repairman.

Two men walked into a bar which was pretty stupid because the second guy should've dodged it.

[cyrax777]

2 muffins are baking in a oven. first muffin turns to other and says its hot in here. the other muffin screams in terror holy shit a talking muffin.

[Roo]

Most of the jokes I'm able to remember are really foul. I'll post some anyway in case someone likes them, but please read no further if you find no humor in subject matter that is disturbing, shocking, or otherwise inappropriate, ie dead babies, sex with children (which is not funny at all, but comes in handy for shock value when needing to one-up someone else's horribly offensive joke), etc. Only jokes I don't tell are racist ones. Mods, feel free to delete:

1. Did you know that amlnost 50% of Japanese eye doctors have cataracts?
The rest drive Rincoln Towncars

2. What's the best thing about screwing twenty-nine year-olds?
There's 20 of 'em!

3. I was nailing this girl from behind when I pulled out and put it in her rear. She said "that's awfully presumptuous of you". I said "Presumptuous?? That's an awfully big word for an 8-year-old!" (Ok that one was terrible)

4. How do fit a half-dozen babies into a salad bowl? A blender. How do you get them out? Doritos.

5. (Old one but a good one) Dude walks into a bar and says "I need a whole bottle of booze, its been a rough day. Anything but tequila". Barkeep says "what's wrong with tequila, don't like it?" Dude says "no
I hate that shit. I drank a whole bottle of it last night and blew chunks". Says the bartender: "well if you drink a whole bottle of anything you're gonna blow chunks!" "No man, you don't understand. Chunks is MY DOG".

6. A man witha gun and aski mask walks into a sperm bank and demands that the young woman open the vault. "But sir, this is a sperm bank". "OPEN IT!" She opens the vault and he points with his gun to a sample cup. "That one -- drink it". "But sir..." "DRINK IT!" She pounds it down. "This one here, drink it! Gulp it down!!" She gulps it down, and then another, and another. After the 4th one, the man takes his mask off and says "see honey? It's not that hard!"

7. What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the portrait.

8. Why do the the ladies love Jesus? Because he's hung like this...

9. What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If they're forced on you as a child, you won't like them as an adult.

10. What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your dad you're gay.

11. (I may have heard this one here somewhere...) A man and his wife were having sex when little Tommy walked in on them, horrified, and started crying. The husband laughed and said "it's okay Tommy, just a minute, I'll come have a talk with you". He put his clothes on and went into Tommy's room, and was in turn horrified to find Tommy on the bed, nailing grandma from behind! "See Dad, not so funny when it's your MOM, is it?"

Whew, OK those were really dumb. Let's hear some better ones.

[cj]

what is the most common pick up line at a lesbian bar

your face or mine

[smithdavid4321]

Wats d height of hope??
It is: sittin in d exam hall,
holdin d question paper in hand
n tellin ur self
“dude,dnt worry.
Exams wil get postponed!”

Your attention please
Thanks 4 ur attention. Now carry on ur work.

Hope you enjoyed it.