JOKE THREAD

[Premium Parrots]

THE LITTLE OLD LADY

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his pecker through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
:lol:

[bmwgsa]

A lawyer was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the lawyer turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the lawyer. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The lawyer, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[bmwgsa]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having All these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,

' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'That is wonderful' proclaims the husband..

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bath room , comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him st anding at the mirror and saying:



'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '





His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

[bmwgsa]

LIVING WILL FORM:


I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or, lawyers, doctors, and hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: a Martini, a Margarita, a Scotch and soda, a Bloody Mary, a Vodka and Tonic, a Glass of Chardonnay , a Beer, a Steak , Lobster, crab legs , The remote control, a bowl of ice cream , The sports page, Chocolate or, Sex then it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: _____________________ Date: ___________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on.
I want to go to the nursing home with the pub!!!

[bmwgsa]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

[bmwgsa]

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'

McCain replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

[bakerbarber]

Have you had days like this?



A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink,
gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as
if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't
think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I
can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

'When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have
any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in
bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my
life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.'

[bmwgsa]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your
brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.'

[bakerbarber]

Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to
those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the
Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT
THEM.'

[bmwgsa]

THE PARROT.....................

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced
with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally though, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and more rude!

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer!

For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed.....then suddenly there was total quiet! Not a peep was heard for over a minute!

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude!

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,


"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[bmwgsa]

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb then post about it
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could’ve been changed differently
1 to move it to the Lighting folder
2 to argue and then move it to the Electrical folder
7 to point out grammar/spelling errors in post about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue whether it’s a light bulb or lightbulb
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper tern is Lamp
15 know it all who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take the discussion to the lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to discuss the dangers of changing light bulbs without a professional opinion
5 to post a disclaimer that they are not light bulb experts, nor do they play one on TV and that anyone planning on changing their own light bulb should consult a professional
7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then to post the correct URLs
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add, “Me too.”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say, “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say, “Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs.”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[bmwgsa]

How many Marxist-Leninists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. The internal conflict inherent in the bulb will intensify, and naturally lead to a state of revolution.

How many Unix sysadmins does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1 to hold it, and the world revolves around him.

How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1 to run the wizard, or call support if there's no wizard.

How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
- Let's hope there are some Apple Light Bulbs available or you're out of luck.

How many Linux users does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1 to recompile the kernel and rpm the bulb
- 10,000 to whine about how windows light bulb wizards are ruining computing for everyone
- 1,000 to suggest that the new government light bulbs won't run on linux
- 5 MPAA attorneys to sue the guy who figured out how light bulb threads work.

Why does it take 12 women with PMS to change a light bulb?
- JUST BECAUSE!!

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?
- None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- None, that's a hardware problem.

How many Jewish mothers does it take?
- None. "It's OK, I'll sit here in the dark."

How many Micro$oft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three
- 2 to hold the ladder
- 1 to hammer the bulb into a faucet

How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight.
- One to work the bulb
- seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- One. What are you, stupid?

How many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Fifteen. You got a problem with that?

How many IBMers does it take to change a light bulb?
100.
Ten to do it
90 to write document number GC7502439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank," and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A...consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks.""

How many people-who-still-use-Windows-95 does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change????
(Bedroom 95 notices that you have changed the lightbulb. Please exit the house for the changes to take effect. )


How many Matrix fans does it take to change a light bulb?
- None. There's no bulb.


How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?
2
- one to call the electrician
- one to mix the martinis

[bmwgsa]

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them.

Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Suzy replied. 'They're so small their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'Democrats' said Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car, and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all t he media there, and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day Little Suzy was standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign, and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'These are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But yesterday you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But today they have their eyes open.'

[bmwgsa]

The Blonde and the Lightbulb....

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '...And
where do you think you're going?!'


She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'

[bmwgsa]

(This one's a little off-color.......)


Sixty Years of Math 1948 - 2008




Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1940s:

1. Teaching Math In The 1940s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his percentage profit ?

2. Teaching Math In The 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

3. Teaching Math In The 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

4. Teaching Math In The 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

5. Teaching Math In The 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

6. Teaching Math In The 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

7. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?