Jokes.

[Hanske]

Found a new one of the same guy...

[xMurderJunkiex]

A man is sitting in a doctor's waiting room waiting for his wife's diagnosis.
The doctor finally comes out and sits down next to him and says, "well, we've narrowed your wife's problems down to either syphillis or Alzheimers."
The man says, "So what now?"


Doctor says, "Well, we dropped her in the middle of the city. If she makes her way home, don't **** her."

[WickedKitchen]

There was a guy traveling through the dessert and he met up with an American Indian all decked out in his warrior gear and painted face and all. They walked along for a while then the Indian stopped and knelt down to feel the ground. He paused there for a minute and held his palm to the ground then muttered "Hmm...Buffalo come." The guy was a little nervous 'cos he remembered feeling the train tracks as a kid to know if a train was coming. He feared a stampede and he asked the Indian how he knows that buffalo come. The Indian replied. "Ground sticky."

Heh...that was triggered by the fleshlight thread. Ha!!!!

[WickedKitchen]

Hahahaha dick jokes.

How do you find an old man in the dark?

It aint hard.

[jagmanss]

What's the difference between brussel sprouts and pubic hair? Nothing. You push both to the side and just keep on eating.

[Premium Parrots]

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the dick skin rocket to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Central.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to the entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results
-If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

[snusgetter]

[Hanske]

Lol..


I found this a little amusing, it's from a Norwegian supermarket. Just to tell you, "har du spist frukt i dag?" means "have you eaten any fruit today?".

[precious007]

MALE SENSITIVITY TEST

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the dick skin rocket to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Central.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to the entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results
-If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

lol

couldn't agree more ...

Just kept on answering C

..........even though I'd be called a jerk... I'm still a man

[Rattlesnake]

A Jewish girl came home one day and said, "Ma, I got married." Her mother said, "Oy, that's great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab." Her mother said, "Oy, that's not so great." The girl said, "But Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives." Six months later, the Jewish girl walked into the house and said, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in my ass. Day and night, all he'll do is bang me in the ass. When I got married, my asshole was like a dime. Now it's like a silver dollar." Her mother said, "So for ninety cents, you're going to make trouble?"

Copied from Guyplace.com

[ProudMarineDad]

ONE DAY JOB
============

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,

I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, very
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "H... no, they
ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the
h... would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?"

So I replied,
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of
work.

[nicodude]

Wow, I cannot belive I spent over half an hour reading that rattle snake joke/story on the first page just to get to the a punch line of 'better nate than lever'....

With such a complex begining, I expected something, more er.. complex for an ending.

[Maher]

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of rum.
It's rum that does all that shit.
Never mind.

[precious007]

A Real Woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of rum.
It's rum that does all that shit.
Never mind.

rum as well

Especially Malibu and Captain Morgain

[timoteo]

What did the General do with his armys?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
He put them in his sleavys