I Won At The Casino! Several Contests! As promised.

[phantom]

$1200.00

[phantom]

$2400.00 GOT ANY GRAPES?

One day a parrot walked up to the counter inside a convenience store. The parrot said to the clerk "Got any grapes?"
"No" replied the store clerk. The parrot smiled and walked out the door. A little while later the parrot returned and asked "Got any grapes?" The clerk replied "No! I already told you 15 minutes ago, i don't have any grapes!"

The parrot smiled and once again walked out of the store. Ten minutes later, the parrot returned and asked once again "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk yelled "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any and we're not going to have any! If you come back in here again, i'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The parrot smiled and walked out the door. Later that day the parrot returned and asked "Got any nails?" The clerk said "NO!". The parrot replied "Good. Got any grapes?"

[CoderGuy]

$1,247,624 and 45 cents.

TRANQUILITY...

Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the A$$HOLE you're holding underwater.

There!! See... It really does work. You're smiling and feeling better already.

[texastorm]

57,000

[rickcharles606]

85,300

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. Wh...ile tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Funniest joke I've heard in a long time....fsck it, Jags wins in the joke category..IMO. Not my contest though, so sorry Jags ;-)

[Skell18]

Hahahahaha jag that was funny!!!

$150,000.00

[phantom]

$3,000.00 A very, very difficult question for Abby to ponder:
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[Paco]

$73,000 or $48,000

[Snotgifff]

$40,250

[phantom]

biker is riding along a country lane, when
a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker
can't do anything and hits the sparrow. As
he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees
the sparrow lying in the road. Being the
kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the
sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a
cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow
wakes up the following morning, he looks
through the bars of the cage and says,
"Damn! I must have killed the biker".
$24,000.00 did I say that already?

[Faylool]

$34,000

[jagmanss]

$41,200

[jagmanss]

$70,000

[jagmanss]

$120,000

I win! I have the Vaseline.

[Premium Parrots]

Bageesus.....here is another hint.....

Snotty and phantom both got extremely close to guessing the correct amount.