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Thread: My Journey......Mrs. Butterworth, 128 years of hard waffles

  1. #1261
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  2. #1262
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    Subject:
    Facebook for Seniors To others of my
    generation who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even
    exists, maybe try the following, like I'm doing. Here's what I'm
    doing to gain better understanding:

    I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook,
    but while applying the same principles.
    Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what
    I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night
    before, what I will do later, and with whom.
    I give them pictures of my family, my dead dog,
    and of me gardening, taking things apart in
    the garage, or fixing things, watering the lawn, standing in front of
    landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody
    and everybody does every day.
    I also listen to their conversations,
    then give them the "THUMBS UP" and tell them I like them.

    And it
    works! I already have four people following me: Two police officers,
    a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

  3. #1263
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    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  4. #1264
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    Good one PP, tho I could have done without the violin backround music........

  5. #1265
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    I didn't even notice the music. That guy was so inspiring I almost got out of bed so my wife could make it....
    Last edited by Premium Parrots; 03-08-2018 at 08:23 PM.

    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  6. #1266
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    Here's another example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations:

    I just read of a professional, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

    He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.

    This just goes to show you, one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts and prayers for him and his family. The article says he really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian!

  7. #1267
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    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  8. #1268
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    ^^^^

    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an
    inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

    While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to
    the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy alot of
    bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
    there's too little left to be of any use?"

    “Good question” noted the CFO. "We save them up and send
    them back to the bandage company and every once in a while,
    they send us a free roll."

    “Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
    unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
    in his arrogant and obnoxious way. "What do you do with
    what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

    “Ah, yes”, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was
    trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
    "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and
    every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."


    “I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
    could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well, he went on, "What do
    you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is
    save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and
    about once a year they send us a complete prick." --

  9. #1269
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    LMAO, good one....

    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  10. #1270
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    IRISH GHOST STORY


    This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

    John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

    The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

    Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

    The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.

    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..

    ‘Look Paddy ... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

  11. #1271
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    It was snowing all night. So my morning goes something like this:


    8:00 I made a snowman.
    8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
    8:15 So, I made a snow woman.
    8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's
    voluptuous chest.
    8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two
    snowmen instead.
    8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
    as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
    8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
    8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a
    headscarf.
    8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.
    8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed
    because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter
    : "Certainly, if it's up your a***"
    8:45 TV news crew from Fox News show up. I am asked if I know the
    difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am
    called a sexist.
    8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being handcuffed
    and taken to the Police station in a marked van.
    9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble
    during difficult weather.
    9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. (Mark owes me money, and Geo kicked my cat, so I mutter their names just loud enough to be heard and recorded)....
    9:29 A little-known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.
    10:17 I let slip that I identify as neither male nor female, but as "other", I have 9 kids by 11 different baby mammas, need shoes , a car and food, and that I am in the USA and on this planet illegally.
    10:19 I am set free, given a Cadillac Escalade, a Food card with $1.4 million dollars on it, a pair of $3,000 Ultra Nike Seismograph shoes, and am presented the key to the universe, Milky Way entrance.

    Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live
    today!


  12. #1272
    "TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF"

    (If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you! *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named "FRANK", who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
    to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
    Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
    besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
    all of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
    was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. bitch is
    starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
    can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb!
    Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to
    match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
    me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
    the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
    if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
    really hot chili?

  13. #1273
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    A flight is on its way to Sydney, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then informs the blonde that she has only paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
    The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
    The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo who has an economy ticket but is sitting in first class, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
    The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”
    The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
    The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
    He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she then says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
    The pilot replies, “I told her that first class isn’t going to Sydney.”
    That pilot knew what he was doing!

  14. #1274
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    A Male Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
    "Will you marry me?"
    The Princess immediately said, "No!"
    And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished
    and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age
    and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard any bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders
    and kept his house and guns, and ate spam, potato chips and beans,
    and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and he had lots of dogs and cats and all his friends and family thought
    he was cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.
    The Happy Ever After End.

  15. #1275
    Good for the Prince!. Besides, if he was asking the Princess to marry him, it was probably his sister.

  16. #1276
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    Quote Originally Posted by Andy105 View Post
    Good for the Prince!. Besides, if he was asking the Princess to marry him, it was probably his sister.

  17. #1277
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    Charles Krauthammer Article - New York Post


    This is worth reading ................


    The Enemy Amongst Us!!
    By Charles Krauthammer, Oct 11 2017
    An article from the New York Post:

    I do not understand how living in a country with its democracy established over 200 years ago, and now, for the first time in history, suddenly we have one of our former presidents set up a group called “Organizing for Action” (OFA).

    OFA is 30,000+ strong and working to disrupt everything that our current president’s administration is trying to do. This organization goes against our Democracy, and it is an operation that will destroy our way of governing. It goes against our Constitution, our laws, and the processes established over 200 years ago. If it is allowed to proceed then we will be living in chaos very much like third world countries are run. What good is it to have an established government if it is not going to be respected and allowed to follow our laws?

    If you had an army some 30,000 strong and a court system stacked over the decades with judges who would allow you to break the laws, how much damage could you do to a country? We are about to find out in America!

    Our ex-president said he was going to stay involved through community organizing and speak out on the issues and that appears to be one post-administration promise he intends to keep. He has moved many of his administration’s top dogs over to Organizing for Action.

    OFA is behind the strategic and tactical implementation of the resistance to the Trump Administration that we are seeing across America, and politically active courts are providing the leverage for this revolution.

    OFA is dedicated to organizing communities for “progressive” change... Its issues are gun control, socialist healthcare, abortion, sexual equality, climate change, and of course, immigration reform.

    OFA members were propped up by the ex-president’s message from the shadows: “Organizing is the building block of everything great we have accomplished Organizers around the country are fighting for change in their communities and OFA is one of the groups on the front lines. Commit to this work in 2017 and beyond.” OFA’s website says it obtained its “digital” assets from the ex-president’s re-election effort and that he inspired the movement. In short, it is the shadow government organization aimed at resisting and tearing down the Constitutional Republic we know as AMERICA.

    Paul Sperry, writing for the New York Post, says, “The OFA will fight President Donald Trump at every turn of his presidency and the ex-president will command them from a bunker less than two miles from the White House.” Sperry writes that, “The ex-president is setting up a shadow government to sabotage the Trump administration through a network of non-profits led by OFA, which is growing its war chest (more than $40 million) and has some 250 offices nationwide.

    The OFA IRS filings, according to Sperry, indicate that the OFA has 32,525 (and growing) volunteers nationwide. The ex-president and his ‘wife’ will oversee the operation from their home/office in Washington DC.

    Think about how this works. For example: Trump issues an immigration executive order; the OFA signals for protests and statements from pro-immigrant groups; the ACLU lawyers file lawsuits in jurisdictions where activist judges obstruct the laws; volunteers are called to protest at airports and Congressional town hall meetings; the leftist media springs to action in support of these activities; the twitter sphere lights up with social media; and violence follows. All of this happens from the ex-president’s signal that he is heartened by the protests.

    If Barack Obama did not do enough to destroy this country in the 8 years he was in office, it appears his future plans are to destroy the foundation on which this country has operated on for the last 241 years.

    If this does not scare you, then we are in worse trouble than you know.

    So, do your part.. You have read it, so at least pass this on so others will know what we are up against. We are losing our country and we are so compliant. We are becoming a “PERFECT TARGET” for our enemy!

    Editor’s comments: Krauthammer is about the best and brightest journalist and political analyst we have, in my opinion. His words of warning in the below message should be taken seriously and spread throughout the country so as many of our citizens as possible are made aware of what is happening right under our noses!



































    Last edited by Premium Parrots; 05-09-2018 at 01:06 AM.

    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  18. #1278
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    Ok, Ok, we can file this one under " there are no new jokes anymore", but it still makes me giggle......

    At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

    "Good question." noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

    Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

    "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" Ah, yes." replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

    "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

    "I see." replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste." answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete Dick."

  19. #1279
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    Yea that's an oldie but a goodie, but still makes me laugh.

    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  20. #1280
    Ahahahhaaaha....still circumcision is no laughing matter....tell me to drop trow and you have a flint knife.....oh no no no
    When it's my time to go, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle did....... Not screaming in terror like his passengers

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