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Thread: My Journey......Mrs. Butterworth, 127 years of hard waffles

  1. #1241
    Member Burnsey's Avatar
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    Never Jump To Conclusions..........

    How Much Do You Make?
    If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
    *
    A big steel company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
    *
    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
    *
    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
    *
    The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
    *
    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
    *
    From across the room a voice said, "He is the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

  2. #1242
    Ahahahahhaha........I hope hat $1600 pizza had extra cheese on it
    When it's my time to go, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle did....... Not screaming in terror like his passengers

  3. #1243
    Super Moderator Premium Parrots's Avatar
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    lmao. I didn't even see it coming.
    I have about 6 or 7 rolls of Jaks Wintergreen I need gone asap...cheap. PM me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  4. #1244
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    An Interview with the World's Longest Surviving Severed Head


    A Person with little left to lose describes his challenges.





    Severed head interview.





    We are interviewing Loren C. Vandersnarff, the world’s longest surviving severed head. Mr. Vandersnarff, welcome.

    Loren – Thank you John.

    FoD – How did you come to be the world’s longest living severed head?

    Loren – It was in a farming accident, in Buel, Idaho.I was operating a threshing machine, cutting wheat. The machine hit a bump and I tumbled off. The next thing I knew, I was as you see me here.

    FoD – A severed head.

    Loren – Right.

    FoD – What was your first reaction?

    Loren – A feeling of losing a great amount of weight very quickly.

    FoD – I see. But how is it you came to survive such an accident? Most people would not have.

    Loren – I don’t know. I’ve always been a rather independent, self-contained person. I’ve always been the kind who can adapt to adversity. All I know is,I’m still here and enjoying every new day.

    FoD – The accident made you something of a celebrity, hasn’t it?

    Loren – Yes. I’ve been on Letterman, Leno and Conan shows, and more recently,Ellen. I was offered a part in the upcoming re-make of the classic film, BeatMe Bite Me Burn Me Stab Me Want Me. I also had a small part in the Lee VanCleef movie if you remember, Zontar, the Thing from Venus. I recently was offered a position to head a new nonprofit coalition, Americans without Torsos,based in Washington D.C.

    FoD – Then you feel lucky to be the way you are?

    Loren – Well, not exactly, there are challenges. Do you have any idea how hard it is to meet women? I’m single. I’ve tried everything; hanging out at bars,going to the produce section at the supermarket. I can’t seem to meet the right lady, someone who will love me for who I am. I mean, I’ll be out on a date with a good-looking goddess, and she gets up to excuse herself to go freshen up in the ladies room, and bumps the table, and I roll off. Do you know how embarrassing that is?

    FoD – I can imagine.

    Loren – Try getting on a bus. There is no special provision for a disability like this. I have to get a rolling start toward the stairs, bounce off an object like a rock or can, hit the first step, and then bounce up again and again. That’s unless somebody helps me. One time a bunch of kids mistook me fora soccer ball. That was a narrow escape. What a disaster that could have been.Another time a gypsy woman mistakenly thought I was a face in a crystal ball and tried to make off with me. I’m so bitter I don’t even want to talk about it.

    FoD – I’m sure our audience identifies with your struggles and challenges. On a lighter note, could you describe your average day for us?

    Loren – Sure. Usually I get up in the morning, roll out of bed and make some coffee. That’s always a challenge, getting the coffee grounds into the top of the coffee maker. Then, I check my email on the computer.

    FoD – I have to ask. How?

    Loren – By the use my tongue. I have developed my tongue over time and relentless exercise into the strongest tongue in the world. I hold the record in the Guinness Book for bench pressing a 12 pound casaba melon with my tongue.There has been talk of adding such an event to the next Olympic Games.

    FoD – That tie you’re wearing?

    Loren –You like that?

    FoD – Very colorful. A red tie with a glowing battery-powered neon depiction of Lady Gaga.

    Loren – A fan sent it to me. I have hundreds of fans and they often send me presents I can’t use, like work boots. But this tie, since I have no neck, is attached right down here with a surfboard bungee chord.

    FoD – We’re running short on time. Do you have any advice for anyone out there who might find themselves in a similar situation?

    Loren – Well, it might be, never give up, or lose sight of your dreams, even if you’re viewing them from a much lower position. The world is a circle, so try to be a well-rounded individual. If you’ve got a good head on your shoulders,you don’t necessarily need the shoulders. And always play to win, plan and train for your future, and always be one step ahead.
    I have about 6 or 7 rolls of Jaks Wintergreen I need gone asap...cheap. PM me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  5. #1245
    Quote Originally Posted by Burnsey View Post
    PIZZA Order.

    - Hello! Gordon's pizza?
    - No sir it's Google's pizza.
    - So it's a wrong number? Sorry.
    - No sir, Google bought it.
    - OK. Take my order please.
    - Well sir, you want the usual?
    - The usual? You know me?
    - According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick rust.
    - OK! This is it.
    - May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?
    - What? I hate vegetables.
    - Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
    - How do you know?
    - We crossed the number of your fixed line ☎with your name, through the subscribers guide. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
    - Okay, but I do not want this pizza I already take medicine.
    - Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
    - I bought more from another drugstore.
    - It's not showing on your credit card statement
    - I paid in cash
    - But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
    - I have have other source of cash
    - This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
    - What the hell
    - I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you
    - Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
    - I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago
    ^lmao

  6. #1246
    Member Burnsey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by snuswoman View Post
    ^lmao
    Good! Welcome aboard......

  7. #1247
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    I have about 6 or 7 rolls of Jaks Wintergreen I need gone asap...cheap. PM me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  8. #1248
    That was LOL

  9. #1249
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    Golf cart path behind my house. One of the reasons I moved here...........



    Probably the ony snow we will get this year. Its pretty.........as long as I don't have to shovel it.
    Last edited by Premium Parrots; 12-10-2017 at 03:46 AM.
    I have about 6 or 7 rolls of Jaks Wintergreen I need gone asap...cheap. PM me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  10. #1250
    Member Burnsey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Premium Parrots View Post
    Golf cart path behind my house. One of the reasons I moved here...........



    Probably the ony snow we will get this year. Its pretty.........as long as I don't have to shovel it.
    That looks peaceful, quiet too I'll bet!

  11. #1251
    Less snow than Chicago!

  12. #1252
    Super Moderator Premium Parrots's Avatar
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    I'm not a big fan of Silverman but I kinda like Seth. This whole video is just a tad NSFW and really weird......enjoy!

    Last edited by Premium Parrots; 01-17-2018 at 08:02 AM.
    I have about 6 or 7 rolls of Jaks Wintergreen I need gone asap...cheap. PM me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  13. #1253
    Member Burnsey's Avatar
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    Yes, a somewhat pleasant weirdness.......

  14. #1254
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    At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

    She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."

    "Great," he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday.

    Stay in touch."

  15. #1255
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    Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
    He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . . "OK, OK, you smug b@st@rd, I can't parallel park. You do it!"


  16. #1256
    Super Moderator Premium Parrots's Avatar
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    lmao......ain't that the truth.
    I have about 6 or 7 rolls of Jaks Wintergreen I need gone asap...cheap. PM me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  17. #1257
    Quote Originally Posted by Burnsey View Post
    Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.
    He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . . "OK, OK, you smug b@st@rd, I can't parallel park. You do it!"


    Ahhahahhahah

    Hey its all fun and games till she dints a fender.....then there is paperwork with all that porn
    When it's my time to go, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle did....... Not screaming in terror like his passengers

  18. #1258
    Super Moderator Premium Parrots's Avatar
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    I have about 6 or 7 rolls of Jaks Wintergreen I need gone asap...cheap. PM me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  19. #1259
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    Drunk Trump. Video slowed down 50%..........I don't like Jimmy Kimmel but this is pretty funny.

    I have about 6 or 7 rolls of Jaks Wintergreen I need gone asap...cheap. PM me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying......


    I've been wrong lots of times. Lots of times I've thought I was wrong only to find out that I was right in the beginning.

  20. #1260
    Member Burnsey's Avatar
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    ^^^^^Thank God he's not really a drinker!
    -----------------------------------------------------
    -----------------------------------------------------

    As I get older, I realize:

    #1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

    #2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

    #3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off..

    #4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

    #5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

    #6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

    #7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

    #8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

    #9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

    #10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

    #11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

    #12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

    #13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

    #14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

    #15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

    #16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

    Happy Monday!

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